you not my grandma

Arrived yesterday evening in Las Vegas. So happy to be with my oldest son, his wife and five grandkids. So sad to have left Hawaii. I need to have my head checked for leaving. It was traumatic driving to the airport, passing the beach front, coconut trees, the mountain in the distance, all the trees and flowers. I know all the reasons why we left but leaving was so hard and then to be at the airport in Oakland so dirty and full of people all stressed out from traveling, I was ready to catch the plane back to Hawaii.
My grandkids jumped all over my husband, as for me I was stared at and comments were made of my weight loss and how good I looked. But the reaction of my grandkids was hard to bear. This morning at breakfast my 5 year old grandson whispered to his mom "That's not grandma. She not my grandma. She don't look like my grandma." I overheard him and my heart just hurt. She explained that it was me. I then explained, reminded my grandkids of when I was very sick, and how I couldn't do anything, and we talked about my losing weight and that I would lose more weight. My 5 year old grandson, "Then no one will make fun of you anymore about being fat, grandma". Out of the mouth of babes, hah.
Kim and I discussed this several months ago, what the reaction of my grandkids may be upon seeing me after a year, as I have been to ill to travel prior to surgery. She warned me that they may react differently towards me. Well, they did and are. Thank goodness we will be here in Vegas for at least 2 weeks, I have time to reaquaint myself with my grandkids.
Hah, Big Grandma Not Big Any More.

Here I am close up. I actually have a neck, one chin.
Skin healthy and glowing. Hard to believe this me. 

That's me in the green. Hubby in gray, brother in blue, my two sisters and my dad in brown. I used to be the biggest. Not any more. 

Getting down to the Nitty Grits
Almost down to finishing the house. Well, two days till I board the plane. It's getting surreal now, every day as I drive down the road, looking at the ocean, I tell myself, what am I going to do, not being able to look at the ocean every day. Look at the mountain, the trees and sigh. My Hawaii. Then got to look at the reasons for moving and the new adventures ahead of me and get myself excited again.
I have to pack my computer. Sigh. I have to be crazy, this addiction to my computer. I will be lost without it. What for three days, till I get my hands on my son's. I have got to be crazy. I need to pull myself together, and box it up. I more worried about being away from my computer than I am about not seeing th ocean. I got to have my head checked.
I am a new person since WLS. Huh, oh I just came to grips with the fact after looking at a pic taken yesterday of me with my brother and sisters having breakfast with my dad at McDonalds. I keep looking at the pic cause I can't believe that person in green is me. She looks like someone I know, but not me. Is this how others see me? I guess so. Got to be. Cause that is me in the picture. Amazing, the surgery works. Huh, well, it does getting used to the new me.

23 Weeks Post Op

Date if surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
Today 5/19/2006 : 264 pounds
Goodbye forever to : 85.7 pounds

I finally went to see my surgeon yesterday after putting it off since surgery. It was very nice to see him. I held his hand and thanked him profusely for giving me back my life. I am just so thankful to him and his skills. This surgery has truly saved my life. Dr. Balfour said that I was in very good health, he was very pleased with my progress. Stitches healed well, my liver has shrunk, it was swollen and all fatty pre surgery, my tummy is fine. We talked about my eating habits, the vitamins and proteins and exercise, which by my weight loss, he can tell I have been doing fine. No hernias, thank goodness with all the lifting I been doing trying to pack.
Blood pressure was great. I told him I stopped taking my blood pressure, cholestoral, and kidney pills. I stopped about a month and a half ago cause my blood tests were so good and I have no idea why my primary doctor wouldn't take me off them. He is absolutely clueless in regards to WLS and in fact because of me he is learning about it. He started talking to his other patients about WLS. Any way I just stopped takingg those meds, I know not too smart but I know my body and I know that I didn't need them. Well, the blood tests show I don't so, I not taking them.

As I say goodbye to more weight, I'll eventually get off insulin and that will be the greatest.

I haven't felt this healthy for over 20 years. I started getting sick when I was about 32-33, I was hyperthyroid and then became hypothyroid and the pounds started adding up. From there full blown insulin dependent diabetic, then added on the rest of the complications of diabetes. To watch my diseases reverse day by day is a wonder. This surgery is a miracle.

I am glad I chose life.

Be Off Line For Awhile
The packers be here in a few hours and I feel like throwing my arms around my computer and not letting go. I'm going to be out in this cruel world without the support of you my cyber friends. It is awfully scary. I am so frightened to be without my life line to the Neighborhood. Imagine I have been linked to LAWLS since preop about seven months ago. I am already starting to feel lonely. I will miss everyone.
So last night I asked my husband if I could go rent a lap top or something till we get on the plane in a week. We'll see, he said. When my son picks me up at the airport he best be planning to take me straight home so I can get on his computer. Smile. That is the first thing I want to do there even before looking at the lights of Las Vegas.
This will be the first time my kids and grandkids will see me since surgery. I can't wait to see their faces when they see that Big Grandma not that big anymore! Smile. Got some way to go yet, but I am alot smaller than what I was. And I not arriving in a wheelchair, I'm going to be strutting my stuff down the gangway!
So my cyber friends who I consider my family, I will be back online as soon as I can. I will miss you all so much. Take care and God bless you all.

22 Weeks Post Op
Doing fine, feeling great, no complaints. I've decided that so what if I didn't lose any weight this week, at least I didn't gain any. Positive thinking right. I can see my collarbones now. Amazing. I can't believe I have collarbones. They were hidden so long. It's these subtle changes that give me assurance that I am doing things right. Those numbers on the scale tend to stress me out when they don't move.
Mentally I am also doing fine. I'm in a peaceful mode right now, which is nice. Hate it when I am bouncing off the wall with my self imposed dramas. I could be dubbed the "drama queen" at times. Get myself worked up to a tizzy, for something that the following week I will have a hard time remembering about.
Not sweating the small stuff is good advice. Takes so much energy to be mad about something. Got to save that anger energy for something worthwhile. Life just too short for dwelling on insignificant junk.
I love it when I'm in this peaceful mode. Things seem to work out more smoothly. Nothing is impossible to do and if I don't want to do anything it is okay, too.
I'm reading "Discover the Joy of Being the Person God Made You to Be" by Joyce Meyer. It is a very thought provoking book. Joyce Meyer does a series of books, they have helped me alot in finding peace in my life.
From her book, " Jesus came to bring restoration to our lives. One of the things He came to restore is a healthy balanced self-image".
I know that what we think of ourselves affects how we live our lives. For a long time, I didn't like my obese self. Maybe I smiled and everything outside looked good to the world, but inside I was crying. I was not happy. I did not like the body I was living in. I tolerated my big body, after all what other choice did I have if I wanted to be alive. What a limited life I had in my big body. Now when I look at my presurgery pictures, it is a shock to me to see how big I got, it is a wonder to me how I was able to function daily. It hurts to face the fact that I abused the body I had, I did not take care of it as I should have. It was a slow suicide, this killing of myself. It's the truth, I was killing myself slowly, feeding the diseases that ravished my body with unhealthy food and not exercising.
I know I need to let this all go, I am as I journal, this painful past of me. I have moved on but I feel it is good at times to reflect what was, then turn and face the rainbows of my life and keep walking forward towards my goal of having a healthy life.
Slowly as the pounds fall off and my body changes and my health gets better, I am learning to love my body again.
"Happiness and joy do not come from the outside. They come from within. They are a conscious decision, a deliberate choice, one that we make ourselves each day we live" J.M.

I'm Under 270 pounds

I couldn't help myself. Weigh in is not till Friday, but told myself that I know I am under 270, I feel lighter, my clothes is so baggy, so I checked and I am!

Date of surgery: 349.7 pounds
Today 5/8/06 : 268 pounds
Bye Forever : 81.7 pounds

I was retaining water last Friday on my 21st week after WLS as I thought. This is so encouraging. Oh yeah!!!!!!!

Happy Days
On Saturday I attended a craft fair with my sister and just had great fun. We set up our booth, then took turns cruising around the booths talking story and checking out the various crafts, watching the entertainment and just enjoying being around people. I really miss doing fairs, it has been four years since I have done a fair before the one I did two weeks ago. I miss the looking at things that people have made and making things myself.
The real bonus is that I get to see crafters I haven't seen for a long time and they have nothing but nice comments about the smaller sized me. Sometimes I just need confirmation from others that I am glowing with health and I am not the old big me.
I am still amazed at the energy I have to set up the booth, and then walk all over the place and then take things down and still have some energy left. Life is truly better now and I want it to stay this way.
I really was missing out on life. I too have looked at my before pictures and have a hard time believing that I was that big. I never saw myself as that big. I was just me. I had decensitized myself to what I looked like. I wonder how in the world did I live in that body. How I struggled each day is amazing to me. How could I have let myself become so huge. It is hard to accept that this is the person I was. This is the person the world saw.
I don't like the old body of me. I did not love the old body of me. I could not stand my huge body. I could not understand how my husband could accept the big me and touch me. I did not love me, so how in the world could he. My thoughts were so self destructive. No wonder I had such a hard time with me. How could I have taken care of others and I did not take care of me. I abused myself. I was so depressed. Life was such a chore to live. It is no wonder that I was falling apart physically and mentally and leaving this life. I made such poor choices for myself.
Well, now that is behind me and I need to let that part of my life go so that I can venture into this new chapter of my life with no old baggage. I look in the mirror and I like the new me. I love this new me, ripples and all.
So today I went through all my old clothing and in a huge pile is all the old me clothes I was having a hard time giving away, 5XL to 2XL. I can still look good in some of the 1XL clothes but soon they will be given away too. I have no problem finally letting go of the old me. I was hanging on to the old me. But no more.
One day at a time.
I am going through emotional healing, untying the knots that represent the different issues in my life. I realise that healing is a process and what I have been doing is trying to untie all the knots all at once, by myself. Healing takes time. What was I thinking. I will let God heal me at his pace, untying one knot at a time. I trusted him to bring me through the WL surgery. I will trust him to help me through the second chance of life he gave me.
Things will get better for me in the days to come. I will not fail. God is in control. I am no longer afraid.

21 Weeks Post Op

Had no pounds to say goodbye to this week. I truly believe I am retaining water today. Haven't gained anything so that's a plus.
Emotionally I am doing better. Moved on in my mind, just doing what I got to do to take care of my butt bone. My sons have made so many jokes about it, that I am starting to find some humor in it, but it does hurt. It is fractured, will take about six weeks to see if any improvement if any and then we see from there if it will be a long range injury or not.
The support I received from LAWLS neighborhood has been so great. I am so blessed to have such a supportive loving group of friends. They helped me dry my tears and gave me hope that things will work out for the better, I just have to have faith.
I am guilty most of the times, thinking that I can handle things all alone, just forging ahead and placing on my plate numerous tasks, like super woman. Then I think I am in total control and I can do it all. Falling on my butt, crying these past few days, has forced me to realise that I can't do everything. First thing I did was ask God to help me with some of these tasks, I placed my burdens in his hands and told him I just can not do it all alone. Then decided what is important and what is not, prioritizing, cleaning my plate of what is not important, just stuff I put there, because.
I need a plan. A solid plan that I can follow. After reading Kim's more recent entry blog I agree that having a plan is very important. It would keep me focused. Instead of just walking around like a chicken without a head, I need a plan. So for the next couple days I will work on a plan.
I will not allow the old habits to creep back and keep me from reaching my goals. I will be a success in this life after WLS.

Back Injury
I hurt my back on 4/18 and have been handling it and telling myself that all is well. Carrying on even if I was in pain. Well got up this morning and told myself I need to get an xray done cause I still hurting. Had the xray and the technician told me that I fractured my tailbone. I am feeling really stressed and depressed right now and just want to cry. I have been feeling so well and things have been going so good. I don't need to be hurt right now. I know I should stop thinking of the worst and things may not be as bad as I think it will be but I can't help myself. I talk to the doctor tomorrow and see what can be done so I can heal. I have to get better there is so much I need to do to get ready for this move. I need to be well so I can take care of my husband.
Tomorrow I am going to go walking in the pool. According to an article I found on the net I need to do some exercise. If I have to walk in the pool all day to help my back heal I walking in that pool till I shrivel to a prune. I did not have this surgery to get hurt and have my life limited in any way. I just want to scream, cry and cry and cry. I just can not take this right now.
I'll go do some crafts, I will not go on an eating binge it will just make things worst. Positive, I got to stay positive. I will not give in to these emotions of despair. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a good day.