TRYING TO FIND ME

Tuesday evening decided to drive to Vegas and be with my grandkids. So packed and left early Wednesday morning. Slept Wednesday night a Fort Bliss, El Paso. Woke Thursday morning and drove 12 hours to Vegas.

I've been having a hard time these past few weeks in San Antonio. I have been depressed, missing Hawaii, overwhelmed with being my husbands caretaker and not happy with my son's decision to buy a home in Vegas instead of coming to SA. I had all these plans to fill my days doing things with my grandkids. I moved to SA to have my family near me not some 2o something hours away. Well I know there must be a reason why things turned out this way and I need to be patient about this, but right now it just sucks.

My visit to the psych was so so. She seems to not be able to comprehend or understand the Hawaiian me. I may be expecting too much of her and anyway it is hard to start all over with a new therapist. She has a hard act to follow, Jaqueline my therapist in Hawaii and I just clicked, I could talk to her about anything. Anyway I spent part of the therapy session crying for Jaqueline. The psych was jotting away on her note pad, I wonder what she was jotting down. I don't know if this will work out but I'll give it another try. One good thing about the session was when I mentioned having WLS, she knew of a support group in the area. When I get back to SA in mid October, I'll go check them out.

I'll be going to San Francisco tomorrow and stay there for 5 days with my son Kamuela, his wife and two daughters on Travis Air Force Base. I have never been to San Francisco so I am excited. I am even more excited cause I'll have lunch on Sunday with Kim (sarge). It seems sureal, like a dream, meeting Kim will surely make the Neighborhood more real as I get to hug a real live breathing Kim! I am so excited, I get to meet my hero, my mentor.

Well I am trying to find me. I am trying to smile and be happy and greatful. Sometimes it is hard. I hope the psych works out. I really need someone to help me sort everything that is racing in my head.

REGROUPING Reread my blog and have been doing some really hard thinking. These past 10 months have been really amazing. Looked at my ups and downs, I have been thinking over what I have been through since I have had WLS. My life has changed so much and it is all for the good. I am so happy that I have this record as it helps me to remember why I had WLS surgery in the first place. I don't want to be sick again, dying again. I like being alive. I must do what I have to do so I can do all the things in life that I want to still do. Printed out what I have written. I think I will make a scrapbook kind of thing. Something I can hold in my hands and look through when I feel depressed and when I am falling off track. I need to gather all my morbidly obese pictures and put them in this journal/scrapbook. I need something to remind me of how it was before WLS. How quickly I have forgotten how life was then. I have become complacent and this has got to stop.

I have found a pstchologist who will see me on Thursday. I need to work things out with her. I need to sort out all this junk in my mind. I am going to win this time.

TEN MONTHS POST OP

I have been really bad with blogging and honestly it's because I am not really applying myself to the journey afer WLS. I seem to be in a testing myself stage, seeing how far I can go till I fail. Stupid really but it seems to be what I am doing to myself. Usually on whatever diet I was on this would be about the time I would be failing and gaining back every pound I lost. I just don't know why I am doing this to myself except that I am being truly self destructive. I don't want to fail but I seem to be headed that way. Playing mind games with myself. Waiting to fail, waiting for something to go wrong. I need to count my blessings there really hasn't been any post op problems.

I've been on the phone this afternoon looking for a psychologist. I truly need to go back to counseling. Things are just so overwhelming. Maybe that's why I am feeling the way I am.

Here I am in San Antonio when truly I wish I was in Hawaii. San Antonio is fine but I miss my dad, my sisters and brothers. I miss my house in Hawaii. Things would be great if my son and his children did come here as we planned but no he bought a home in Vegas and I miss them so.

This past week my son from Virginia was here and it was nice having him but he left yesterday and I am missing him. I need to get my self busy or I'm going to go crazy here.

We was supposed to go back to Hawaii mid next month but that has changed. I want to drive to Vegas and be with my kids and grandkids but have to wait till we are done with all our doctor appointments. I just don't feel like unpacking anything, I haven't put pictures on the walls, I seem to be ready to leave on the spur of the moment if I want to. I know there is a reason why things changed and my husband and I are alone here, but I just can't cope with things now.

I just have to think positive. Tomorrow be a better day. I'll call around and find me a psych to talk to, to help me sort things out. Need to g back to the gym 24/7. Went today and felt fine after and even went walking later in the day. I just am depressed missing my children and grandchildren.

DATE OF SURGERY 12/02/05: 349.7 pounds

TODAY 09/18/06 : 226 pounds

GOODBYE FOREVER : 123.7 pounds

I will get my act together and do what I got to do. I did not go through WLS surgery for nothing. I like being thinner, I like being healthy, I like being able to do so many things I could not do prior to WLS surgery.