PEEK A BOO
I see you, but you haven't seen me for awhile. I have been hiding. Who wants to hear about being depressed and out of sorts? You have enough of your own problems to deal with, let alone hearing about mine. I guess I'm going through the "why the hell I did this to myself phase" and having a battle convincing myself that I can do this. Well, it's kind of nuts cause I have to do this, I have no choice but to get with the program. I can't undo WLS.
11 Weeks Post Op
Date of surgery 12/2/06 : 349.7 pounds
02/18/06 : 293 pounds
LOSS : 56.7 pounds
One would think I'ld be happy but I am not. I know I could have done better. I feel that I am letting myself down when I don't throw up when I munch on a potato chip. Yeah, a potato chip that you can not have only one. I feel deprived cause I can just about eat anything without throwing up. Call me nuts but I want to throw up so I have that to stop me from overeating or eating something I shouldn't. That's what I was told would happen, but it didn't, not yet. So I am scared that I will eat myself back to fatness. The only thing I haven't popped in my mouth is chocolate, that to me would be the ultimate failure.
So I been grazing. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate being obese. But I can't seem to stop chewing on something. I am having a hard time refocusing. Most of the time I not even hungry, chewing is just something to do. I am like a cow mindlessly chewing on it's cud. This is depressing as hell.
I haven't been exercising either. The pool water is 68 degrees. Too cold to swim in. There's snow on the mountain and very windy. I'm too busy to literally exercise. I have lots of excuses, who wants to hear them.
Same excuses pre-surgery.
I had my post op appointment with my surgeon on February 23rd, I canceled it. Yep, don't want to see him.
Not yet. Made another apppointment for March 16th. Hopefully I'll feel more like being in the world by then.
Things I finding hard to cope with right now:
People who haven't had WLS advice or comments on what I should or shouldn't be doing. What the hell do they know?
People asking me how much weight I loss.
It's easier to stay home and hide then having to explain what happening to me.
Having hard time coping with the thinner me. It's like who the hell are you? Where's the other Melissa?
Very confused.
Being able to eat something today and next week I can't even stand looking at it.
Saggy baggy skin.
Accepting that I had WLS and this is now my new way of living.
Believing that I am losing weight and I can really keep it off. I keep thinking I going wake up and be 382 pounds like I was December 2004, my highest weight. My mind keeps telling me this is just temporary.
Right now my psychologist is workng hard for her money. I don't regret having WLS. I just overwhelmed by the changes that have happened in just 11 weeks and scared of what is ahead. I am always touching my thinner face and asking myself "Is this me?". That fat person inside is feeling lost and don't want to go away.
She is scared of what lies ahead. The "fat me" is dying, fading away and I having hard time letting go.
Okay, here I am. Climbing back on board, ready to pick my pitiful butt off the ground.
I see you, but you haven't seen me for awhile. I have been hiding. Who wants to hear about being depressed and out of sorts? You have enough of your own problems to deal with, let alone hearing about mine. I guess I'm going through the "why the hell I did this to myself phase" and having a battle convincing myself that I can do this. Well, it's kind of nuts cause I have to do this, I have no choice but to get with the program. I can't undo WLS.
11 Weeks Post Op
Date of surgery 12/2/06 : 349.7 pounds
02/18/06 : 293 pounds
LOSS : 56.7 pounds
One would think I'ld be happy but I am not. I know I could have done better. I feel that I am letting myself down when I don't throw up when I munch on a potato chip. Yeah, a potato chip that you can not have only one. I feel deprived cause I can just about eat anything without throwing up. Call me nuts but I want to throw up so I have that to stop me from overeating or eating something I shouldn't. That's what I was told would happen, but it didn't, not yet. So I am scared that I will eat myself back to fatness. The only thing I haven't popped in my mouth is chocolate, that to me would be the ultimate failure.
So I been grazing. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate being obese. But I can't seem to stop chewing on something. I am having a hard time refocusing. Most of the time I not even hungry, chewing is just something to do. I am like a cow mindlessly chewing on it's cud. This is depressing as hell.
I haven't been exercising either. The pool water is 68 degrees. Too cold to swim in. There's snow on the mountain and very windy. I'm too busy to literally exercise. I have lots of excuses, who wants to hear them.
Same excuses pre-surgery.
I had my post op appointment with my surgeon on February 23rd, I canceled it. Yep, don't want to see him.
Not yet. Made another apppointment for March 16th. Hopefully I'll feel more like being in the world by then.
Things I finding hard to cope with right now:
People who haven't had WLS advice or comments on what I should or shouldn't be doing. What the hell do they know?
People asking me how much weight I loss.
It's easier to stay home and hide then having to explain what happening to me.
Having hard time coping with the thinner me. It's like who the hell are you? Where's the other Melissa?
Very confused.
Being able to eat something today and next week I can't even stand looking at it.
Saggy baggy skin.
Accepting that I had WLS and this is now my new way of living.
Believing that I am losing weight and I can really keep it off. I keep thinking I going wake up and be 382 pounds like I was December 2004, my highest weight. My mind keeps telling me this is just temporary.
Right now my psychologist is workng hard for her money. I don't regret having WLS. I just overwhelmed by the changes that have happened in just 11 weeks and scared of what is ahead. I am always touching my thinner face and asking myself "Is this me?". That fat person inside is feeling lost and don't want to go away.
She is scared of what lies ahead. The "fat me" is dying, fading away and I having hard time letting go.
Okay, here I am. Climbing back on board, ready to pick my pitiful butt off the ground.
posted by Melissa @ 4:35 AM
8 Comments:
At 7:04 PM,
Kim S. said…
Well, since I don't have PhD, MD or Dr in any part of my name, I won't even attempt to try to help you with your depression. This is something that your therapist needs to get you through...and you WILL get through it. It's just a matter of finding why you need to protect yourself with the wall of fat. It has served a purpose for a long time and letting go of it isn't easy for you.
Good for you for not having the chocolate. Identify the exact feeling within yourself that keeps your from eating it and then TRY to apply it to the other useless foods that you're consuming. Mind games are a wonderful thing! I convinced myself that the people that work at my fast food restaurants were dropping the food on the ground, where rodents had been, and then didn't care that they were serving it to me. I imagined rodent excriment on my burger...let me tell you, it worked for me. Haven't had fast food for over three years now. No desire to even go there!
It sounds like you're eating to stop your weight loss. Not because of cravings. I personally can't identify with this, so I don't have any sage advice for you. If it were due to cravings, I could assist.
Melissa, please know that there are many of us out here sending you positive thoughts. We can't fix it for you, but we can send you buckets of positive energy.
Wishing you well,
Kim Stover
At 7:44 AM,
Jenn said…
Melissa - I'm really happy to know that you are ok. I wish I could offer some piece of advice that would fix it for you, but it is something that you will have to work out with yourself. I know you can do it, though! Just let yourself believe that you can!
At 5:01 PM,
Sandi Hooper said…
OOhhh Melissa,
I'm so relived to see you back on line. I've missed your post. You don't always have to be the "strong one." It's okay to feel what you're feeling. Just know that you are NOT alone, that there are dozens of us who care. I think what you've expressed here must be very normal, I know that I've felt this too.
Losing the weight is just damn hard work, isn't it? Not fun at all.
Remember when I said before the surgery that it was like jumping out of a plane and I was scared and you told me that you'd hold my hand and we'd jump together? Well, don't let go of me yet, Melissa. We're going to make it. One day at a time...
Sending you warmest hugs across the water.
At 2:39 PM,
Kaye Bailey said…
Hi Melissa - Read your email. I've given you an assignment and we will be waiting to hear from you!
xoxox
Kaye
At 8:10 PM,
Anonymous said…
Melissa, thanks for letting us know what's up. Yes we are all dealing with issues but we care about you very much too and even if we can't fix it, we understand and will keep you in our thoughts and pray for you. I also dont wanna be telling you what "to do" but what works for me when I feel some grazing coming along are Quaker Oaks Mini Rice Cakes.. (caramel corn is my fave) and for 7 of them, its just 4g sugar, 13g carbs (oy) and 1 protein. *hugs*
At 7:21 AM,
Kim S. said…
Melissa...don't disappear again! We need to know how you are doing :o)
Big hugs from California,
Kim
At 10:15 AM,
Holly said…
i would suggest that you see someone for the depression. what you're going through is normal. don't be afraid to seek a little help.
there are emotional reasons for eating that probably need to be addressed... seeing my therapist weekly for months before and after my surgery really helped me
you're doing great!
At 4:23 PM,
Sandi Hooper said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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