Went to Hawaiian Airlines cargo to weigh myself, yep they got this big scale that can weigh us big people. The guys working down there are so sweet, when I pull up and park, they discretely turn their heads while I weigh myself. Okay I am 354 1/2 pounds. That means in two weeks I have managed to gain 11 1/2 pounds. Remember I have been eating everything I think I will never be able to eat again ever.

Duh! What have I been thinking? What will my doctor think? I supposed to lose some weight before my scheduled WLS and here I am stuffing myself silly. I have lost my mind.

Focus Meliss..................there are no excuses for this behavior. I have four weeks to undo what I have done to myself.

I need help to focus. I'll go to the WLS site and read everything from beginning to end.

No sense crying, all the tears I shed won't get a pound off of this body.

Woke up this morning with determination to get my act together. I have 32 days before WLS surgery and I can not eat everything I think I'll never eat again till then. I'll be over 400 pounds if I keep this up.

Hello? What are you doing to yourself, Meliss? Got email from Kim of WLS and there is absolutely no reason why I have to eat all this stuff cause I think I not going be able to eat it later in life. People from Hawaii live and breath ................ rice. I have been cooking pots of it this past week and swallowing bowls full of it, knowing quite well that "rice turns to sugar" and sugar drives my diabetes carzy. I haven't eaten rice for months but now just before surgery, I feel like I have to eat it. Bowls of rice, kimchee and whatever fatty meats I shouldn't eat in the first place.

I am on a quest to make my blood sugars so high that I'll be too sick for surgery, I guess. Really stupid, Meliss. Kim said she can eat a few pieces of sushi as a treat once in a while now. Okay, now that piece of news from Kim has defintely put me in a "duh" moment. Who I fooling? She politely set you straight girl, you don't have any excuse now to be "Miss Piggy".

Reality check, girl. Fooling nobody, but yourself. You spend months preparing for this surgery and now one month and few days before it, you undoing all that hard work. Hello, Meliss. What are you thinking?

I guess you want to be Big Grandma to the end. Right? Skinny Little Grandma Hata strutting her bag of bones and you Big Grandma so tired, so sick, no can play with the grandkids, can not see your toes, hard time breath, fat fat fat. No way. Grandma Hata, move those bag of bones on the side and make way for this determined Big Grandma who not going be big any more!!!!!!

Okay no more stuffing myself. No more endless " last suppers" till the day of surgery. Imagine the surgeon refusing to operate on December 2 because I have made myself too sick for surgery.

Duh! Wake up woman. Here I am, Big Grandma .....................standing on the doorstep of a new healthy life.

 

I will be having WLS sugery on December 2, 2005.

My grandsons refer to me as Big Grandma. Their other grandma is as skinny as hell. Hate her body. When I phone my son's house and one of my grandson's answer the phone they yell out, "Big Grandma is on the phone!", or "Is this the Big Grandma or the Little Grandma?" It hurt, but they were only saying it like it is. Kid's are so innocently blunt. I would laugh but deep inside it hurt.

It hurt to sit on a chair and watch my grandson's play and not be able to sit on the floor with them. I often would fall asleep while watching them. My son actually took a picture of me sleeping in the living room with the boy's standing around my chair.

I've tried numerous diets. I walk at the municipal pool at least 3 to 5 times a week. I have diabetes, sleep apnea, congestive heart failure, and hypothyroid. I try and try to lose weight, lose a few and then gain it back plus a few. Last December 2004 I felt very strange and was having difficulty breathing. My husband took me to the doctor and he could not find a pulse. The rescue squad arrived, got me breathing again, rolled me unto this tiny gurney, and stuffed me in the back of the abulance. I was so big (382 lbs) that had hardly any room for the two paramedics working on me, so my husband was not allowed to ride with me to the hospital.

Got out of the hospital determined to drop some weight and get my act together. It was my third trip in the past ten years to the emergency room. What's that saying " 3 strikes then you out" ? Well, I've been on Medifast and now weigh 351 pounds. I went down to 343 and gained some weight back already. But I had already decided in December that I was going to have the WLS surgery, the Medifast was used to prepare me for surgery.

I have four friends who have had weight loss surgery. Three had theirs in November/December 2004 and the fourth Darcy almost two years ago. Out of the four Darcy had all kinds of complications. Visiting her scares the hell out of me. I'll write about her experience in another blog. She is my example of things not to do preop and post op WLS.

Will write again later this evening.