Picture of me at 382 pounds, my highest weight.
One year ago. I am now 289 pounds. Compare to picture posted below. 

Another view of Shipman Beach. This is where I played as a little girl.
This is my "wahi pana". Place close to my heart, where
I can go to and set aside my troubles and soak up the mana
"power" of the place and heal. 

Pic of Shipman Beach, Olaa, Hawaii. 

Here I am at 289 pounds. Loss of 60.7 pounds. Olaa, Shipman Beach.
 

Aloha Everyone

I thank you all for all the kind notes and emails, the kicks in the butts, to get my act together. So many things are overwhelming me at this time but I know that I can make it through all this. I am not alone. I have all of you at my side. Sandi thank you for reminding me that you are holding my hand and won't let go while we are on this journey of our life, you are precious. Kim, you are a gem, you always have given me good advice. Holly, supermom, superwife, superwoman, I admire your courage and fighting attitude, nothing seems to keep you down. Jenn, you are so sweet and even with your troubles, you find time to let me know you care. CeeCee, I admire your spunk and energy, your fighting spirit. LWLS would surely be a lonely journey without all of you.

Kaye, I just don't know what I'ld do without your having put together LWLS, because of your insight and hard work, I have the privilege of meeting such strong courageous caring women. I feel the hugs you send my way. I reread your website over and over, recipes too. I just can not get enough of it. When I feel out of sorts, I click on LWLS and read and then click on and read everyone's blog, and often when done, I feel like I can handle anything. One day at a time.

I read that after WLS, depression can kick in. Well, it did big time. Who knows why? I losing weight, my health is better. I should be honky dory. But, I'm not. Things are just overwhelming.
1) My psychologist is 77 years old, known her professionally and then as my therapist for about 15 years. She is aging and it hurts me to watch her fade away. I am having a hard time accepting that she will be giving up her practice soon.
2)Kaye I can not accept your challenge at this time. I haven't had a real kitchen since a week after surgery.
I read the recipes, want to try everything, but got to wait. Why?
3)I have been packing and renovating my house. We are moving to San Antonio, Texas in April. I am excited about the moving, but the process has been time consuming and overwhelming. The energy I got from the surgery has been a blessing as I can do a lot of packing and stuff that I would never have been able to do presurgery. But, I am so exhausted and have no time to really sit or do things for myself.
4)I didn't tell my surgeon that I was moving yet. I worry about who is going to do my followups as you all know usually the surgeon who did the surgery is the best person to do it. So I worry about what I going do.
Yep, I should have told him presurgery but he then wouldn't have done it and he is the best in the islands.
5)Then there is all the WLS stuff that one needs to accept as a good changes that I need to make so I can have a thinner healthier life.

I know I can not do this alone. I need LWLS, and I need each and everyone of you. Now I ask myself how the hell can you help me if I hide, not too bright yeah, so here I am. I need to face my fears. But, I also need to celebrate life.

Yesterday went to the beach with my sisters and had a nice day. Told my husband the house can wait, I need a day of just relaxing and not worrying about anything. It was just wonderful. It is a private beach so we had it practically to ourselves. I spent the early years of my life at this beach with my grandparents, simple Hawaiian way. Food from the ocean and whatever grew in their yard. No cares, just played among the waves all day long. A getaway from the world of today. A place I can go to and remember how it was in Hawaii before all this progress. I was able to cleanse my soul and think about what I want for me in the future.

The sand felt good between my toes, the water was cool and refreshing. Funny though the waves was able to toss me around not like when I was heavier. I just let the water caress my body and cleanse my soul. Thought about the little girl who had no cares in the world. Thought about the years that went by and how she was always sick and worrying about when the heart attack would come. Then thought about why I did the WLS and how lucky I am to have this chance to live a healthier and longer life.

Aloha no.

PEEK A BOO

I see you, but you haven't seen me for awhile. I have been hiding. Who wants to hear about being depressed and out of sorts? You have enough of your own problems to deal with, let alone hearing about mine. I guess I'm going through the "why the hell I did this to myself phase" and having a battle convincing myself that I can do this. Well, it's kind of nuts cause I have to do this, I have no choice but to get with the program. I can't undo WLS.

11 Weeks Post Op

Date of surgery 12/2/06 : 349.7 pounds
02/18/06 : 293 pounds
LOSS : 56.7 pounds

One would think I'ld be happy but I am not. I know I could have done better. I feel that I am letting myself down when I don't throw up when I munch on a potato chip. Yeah, a potato chip that you can not have only one. I feel deprived cause I can just about eat anything without throwing up. Call me nuts but I want to throw up so I have that to stop me from overeating or eating something I shouldn't. That's what I was told would happen, but it didn't, not yet. So I am scared that I will eat myself back to fatness. The only thing I haven't popped in my mouth is chocolate, that to me would be the ultimate failure.

So I been grazing. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate being obese. But I can't seem to stop chewing on something. I am having a hard time refocusing. Most of the time I not even hungry, chewing is just something to do. I am like a cow mindlessly chewing on it's cud. This is depressing as hell.

I haven't been exercising either. The pool water is 68 degrees. Too cold to swim in. There's snow on the mountain and very windy. I'm too busy to literally exercise. I have lots of excuses, who wants to hear them.
Same excuses pre-surgery.

I had my post op appointment with my surgeon on February 23rd, I canceled it. Yep, don't want to see him.
Not yet. Made another apppointment for March 16th. Hopefully I'll feel more like being in the world by then.

Things I finding hard to cope with right now:
People who haven't had WLS advice or comments on what I should or shouldn't be doing. What the hell do they know?
People asking me how much weight I loss.
It's easier to stay home and hide then having to explain what happening to me.
Having hard time coping with the thinner me. It's like who the hell are you? Where's the other Melissa?
Very confused.
Being able to eat something today and next week I can't even stand looking at it.
Saggy baggy skin.
Accepting that I had WLS and this is now my new way of living.
Believing that I am losing weight and I can really keep it off. I keep thinking I going wake up and be 382 pounds like I was December 2004, my highest weight. My mind keeps telling me this is just temporary.

Right now my psychologist is workng hard for her money. I don't regret having WLS. I just overwhelmed by the changes that have happened in just 11 weeks and scared of what is ahead. I am always touching my thinner face and asking myself "Is this me?". That fat person inside is feeling lost and don't want to go away.
She is scared of what lies ahead. The "fat me" is dying, fading away and I having hard time letting go.

Okay, here I am. Climbing back on board, ready to pick my pitiful butt off the ground.