Big Grandma Not Big Any More

2007-01-29T07:07:00.000-08:00

SITTING AND LISTENING

Sandi posted this in the Neighborhood and really I need to sit and listen:
***Disclaimer*** While this may sound like I'm preaching AT YOU, this is mostly to me. Just gotta get my head straight. No finger pointing here, ok?**************************************************************************What does it really take to live successfully after weight loss surgery?If I am lying to myself about working my program, it's just one more level to lie to others. We get on our message boards and we (I) lie about how I'm doing, justify my behaviors, and make up a fictitious world where I am in control and I'm a shining star. Or an abysmal wreck of lost and hopeless victimization. Is there no happy medium ground where I just live?The one character flaw that I hold most responsible for my morbid obesity and my lack of personal fulfillment is a lack of integrity in my personal and most private self. If I'd been honest with myself before I became morbidly obese, I may never have used compulsive overeating as a way to numb myself to my impending physical doom.But that was then. What about now?If I can't be honest with myself about what's going on, I'm doomed again. I may not gain 100 pounds. Stats say I will, but I may be able to fight it off. The real tragedy here though is about how miserable and depressed I will become if I can't own up to myself and others about the real me. I don't need more people to lie to. I don't need more lies to tell.If I say I'm not eating such and such, I need to not be eating it. If I say I'm running X number of minutes/ X number of miles, I need to be honestly doing that. I know what I am supposed to be doing. I need to do it. With honesty and integrity.Sure, I can impress a lot of people with magic words. But I know that I'm kidding myself. And it's only a matter of time before they see the trick behind the words. I can delude myself with all kinds of smoke and mirrors, but deep inside of me, I know it's only a matter of time before I have to come out and face the music.The only way to live after wls, is the only way to live period: with stark honesty and scrupulous integrity in all of my affairs. That is the only way I'll ever know happiness. It is the only way I'll know true freedom and success.

2007-01-20T01:34:00.000-08:00

MORE FOOD FOR THOUGHT

New year! New you?New "wines" - and new wineskins - for 2007 January 15, 2007 - by Rick Warren
In the ancient world there were no glass or plastic bottles. Instead, they put liquids into animal skins that were sewn together and used like canteens. Eventually these skins would become brittle and would break, spilling out the liquid.
Jesus once referred to these wineskins to teach us about change. He said, "New wine must be poured into new wineskins." (Luke 5:38 NIV) This is a principle of life: New situations always require new structures. A new job often requires you to learn new skills. A new relationship often requires new ways of relating.
What are your old wineskins? Old ways of thinking? Old habits? They could be outdated ways of acting, or talking, or responding that worked well in the past but aren't useful or helpful anymore.
The beginning of a new year is a great time to re-examine your life. As we begin 2007, will you hold on to old wineskins or will you abandon them for new ones?
It is safe to assume that you will face three new "wines" in 2007: new problems, new pressures, and new possibilities. To handle these new challenges, you'll need the new "wineskins" of creativity, conviction, and courage.
New problems will require creativity
Unfortunately, you're bound to have more problems in 2007. The good news is they won't be same problems you had in 2006. You get a whole new set! These new problems will require new solutions - which require creativity.
Your old ways of thinking and relating, your old attitudes may not work anymore. That's why the Bible says, "The intelligent man is always open to new ideas. In fact, he looks for them." (Proverbs 18:15 LB)
Most people spend more time and energy trying to get around problems than they do solving them. Instead of avoiding or ignoring your problems in 2007, ask God to give you the creativity to solve them.
A few years ago, a 105-year-old man was interviewed on The Today Show. The reporter commented, "I'll bet you've seen a lot of change in your lifetime." The man replied, "Yes, and I've been against every one of them!"
To stay creative you must intentionally avoid a hardening of the attitudes. You've got to keep growing and developing. Attitudes are like diapers: Every so often they need to be changed or they start to stink!
New pressures will require conviction
Conviction is a willingness to stand up for what you believe. Romans 12:2 says, "Don't let the world around you squeeze you into its own mold, but let God remake you so your whole attitude of mind is changed." (Phillips) Before you get too far into 2007, I suggest you sit down and write out what values are going to be important to you in the new year.
Back in the 1980s, a singer called Boy George rose to the height of popularity singing,"I'm a man without conviction." But today you don't hear much about him. Why? Because you don't last in life without conviction.
More than ever before, in 2007, we need men and women of conviction who say, "I'm going to do the right thing no matter what the consequences are."
New possibilities will require courage
Each new year brings new possibilities - opportunities for growth. These are exciting times to be alive. I'm sure God wants to do great things in your life in this very year, but it won't happen automatically. You've got to step out in faith. There's always an element of risk. Hosea 10:12 says, "Plow new ground for yourselves, plant righteousness, and reap the blessing your devotion to me will produce!" (GNT)
What are you planning to harvest this next year? Three-hundred-sixty-five days from today, how will you be any different? If you want to be different, you've got to start cultivating some new habits, activities, and relationships now!
Success doesn't just happen. It takes real and consistent effort. What do you want to be different in your ministry ... your family ... your finances ... or your walk with Christ? Whatever you sow is what you will reap! If you don't sow anything, you won't reap anything.
I dare you to do something different with your life this year!
One of the most common mistakes Christians make is that they think they can live their lives off a single commitment they made years ago. My spiritual birthday is Jan. 23, 1960. The first 10 years of my Christian life, I tried to live on the basis of that one decision. I thought it was enough to carry me the rest of my life. I wondered why I wasn't growing as a Christian and becoming all God wanted me to be. I prayed, but I didn't see that many answers.
Then in 1970, I discovered that the Christian life is a continual renewal and daily recommitment to Christ. It's not just a once-for-all decision.
As we begin another year, I don't know a better time for each of us to recommit ourselves to Jesus Christ and his purposes for our lives. I'm doing it, and I hope you will too!

Home Search Contact Us
FAQ Legal Notice Privacy Policy Shipping Policy
© 2002 - 2005 Purpose Driven Life. All rights reserved.

2007-01-18T20:26:00.000-08:00

GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELPS THEMSELVES

Diane Shared this and I am keeping it with my Blog so as it does not get lost:

"GOD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES"by Garry D. Pifer

How many times have we heard the familiar passage “God helps those who help themselves?” We hear it quite frequently, don’t we? In order to fully understand that passage let us turn to it. You all know where it is located don’t you? Maybe it is in the book of Hezekiah or possibly Phillips 66:1. No, that’s not right. Look as we may we won’t find that passage in the Bible. Although often quoted and stated this phrase doesn’t come from the Bible nor is it even Biblical in origin.

In fact this quotation has come down to us from GREEK MYTHOLOGY! Specifically it comes to us from one of Aesop’s fables, of the 6th century B.C. Let’s read this fable entitled “Hercules and the Waggoner.” “A Waggoner was once driving a heavy load along a very muddy way. At last he came to a part of the road where the wheels sank half-way into the mire, and the more the horses pulled, the deeper sank the wheels. So the Waggoner threw down his whip, and knelt down and prayed to Hercules the Strong.

‘O Hercules, help me in this my hour of distress,’ quoth he. But Hercules appeared to him, and said: ‘Tut, man, don’t sprawl there. Get up and put your shoulder to the wheel.’The gods help them that help themselves.”

The saying “the gods help those that help themselves” evolved to “God helps those who help themselves” as the phrase was repeated and passed on from culture to culture throughout the centuries. And, Christians, as well as others, often quote this phrase thinking it is Biblically based, without realizing that it actually originated from pagan mythology.

But, you may say, isn’t it still true? Doesn’t God expect us to work as hard if we were doing it all and yet expect Him to work things out for us? That is what most of us have been taught BUT that isn’t the teaching from Scripture.Let us notice just a few passages.

Psalms 25:3 “Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed: let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.”
Psalms 25:5 “Lead men in thy truth, and teach me: for thou [art] the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day.”Psalms 25:21 “Let integrity and uprightness preserve me; for I wait on thee.”
Psalms 27:14 “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”
Psalms 37:7 “Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.”
Psalms 37:9 “For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth.”
Psalms 62:5 “My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation [is] from him.”
Psalms 130:5 “I wait for the LORD, my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope.”
Psalms 145:15 “The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season.”
Isaiah 40:31 “But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; [and] they shall walk, and not faint.”
Lamentations 3:25 “The LORD [is] good unto them that wait for him, to the soul [that] seeketh him.”
Hosea 12:6 “Therefore turn thou to thy God: keep mercy and judgement, and wait on thy God continually.”
What does it mean to “wait?” These are only a few of the many verses that tell us to “wait on the LORD.” What are we being told to do? To “wait” means to “stay or rest in expectation and patience; to stop or remain stationary, till the arrival of some person or event.” It is our human nature to take matters into our own hands and try to make things happen on our own.
Before we discuss what we should be doing and what we shouldn’t be doing let us look at a few more Scriptures.
Psalms 4:5 “Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and put your trust in the LORD.”
Psalms 37:3 “Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.”
Psalms 73:28 “But it is good for me to draw near to God: I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all thy works.”
Psalms 115:10-11 “O house of Aaron, trust in the LORD: he is their help and their shield. Ye that fear the LORD, trust in the LORD: he is their help and their shield.”
Psalms 118:8-9 “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes.”
Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”
Proverbs 28:25 “He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made fat.”
Proverbs 29:25 “The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.”

So, the question we need to answer is, “Are we to sit around like lazy bums waiting for life to be handed to us on a silver platter?” Do we work at everything as if we were doing it all? We do know that faith without works is dead. We must be doing certain things. The Word is quite clear that we are to carry on our daily lives working to provide for our families. Yet, even that is within the framework of Scripture; it is God that gives us the power to get wealth (Deut. 8:17-18).

There are many areas in our lives that are beyond our human capacity to address. And, there are areas that God gives us specific instructions and teaching.

Some areas are much like the Israelites at the Red Sea. God tells us to “Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD...” There are times that God gives specific instructions of what to do. You may remember the account of Naaman recorded in 2 Kings 5. Elisha, the man of God, sent a messenger to tell Naaman to go and wash himself in the Jordan seven times and then he would be healed of his leprosy. Jesus instructed the ten lepers to go and shew themselves to the priests. And, as they went they were cleansed.

As an aside, you might notice that in neither of these cases were the individuals told to go to the doctor. And, there are no Scriptures instructing us to go to doctors. James tells us rather to call for the elders of the church, to be anointed with oil in the name of the Lord. (James 5:14) Earlier in the book he had told us to “ask in faith, nothing wavering...” (James 1:6) He continues in the next verses stating that if one wavers he shouldn’t think that he would receive anything. Verse 8 is pretty pointed, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.” Being double minded is saying you are looking to God, putting your trust in Him and at the same time looking to the arm of flesh, to man to take care of the situation.

As the Psalmist said, “It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man.” We read from Isaiah that “they that wait upon the LORD shall renew [their] strength.”About now some of you are asking, “What about James’ statement that faith without works is dead?”

Have we ever considered that “waiting,” “trusting the LORD,” and “the trying of our faith working patience” are the real WORKS that God wants? Perhaps the hardest “work” we will ever do is waiting on God to act, trusting Him with patience.

Because waiting, trusting, believing, exercising patience is SO hard we want to “look to our own understanding.” We want to look to the flesh, the physical. We say we know God can do all things!

And, we know that He says that if we believe we will receive whatsoever we desire when we pray. Yet, we want to “do something” to help God. We don’t appear to really believe and trust Him.

Let’s look at one last Scripture, Jer. 17:5. I quote this from the Bible in Basic English as it is a bit clearer. “This is what the LORD has said: Cursed is the man who puts his faith in man, and makes flesh his arm, and whose heart is turned away from the LORD.”

The saying “God helps those who help themselves” is a false statement. A truer statement is:
"God helps those who trust in Him".

2007-01-18T04:56:00.000-08:00

NO MORE BULL

May as well be true to myself. I am not going to make it in this journey of life after WLS unless I am true to myself. I can either chooose to struggle or I can get with the plan and do what I got to do.

I told myself at the beginning that I was going to follow the rules and use this first 18 months to get the max results. So why am I wasting precious time? The only loser in all this will be me. Why do I keep testing myself, throwing needless hurdles in front of myself. It doesn't have to be this hard. I know I am making it hard for myself.

You know I trusted God to bring me through the surgery. Yeah, I did. Presurgery I put all my faith in God and I asked him to help me lose the weight and be healthy enough to be able to have the surgery. I went every day to the county pool, rain or shine, no matter how cold it was, and walked and I prayed and sang Gods praises as I walked. I put myself in his Hands and trusted him to help me. And I lost that weight I needed to lose and I was not afraid to face surgery cause I knew in my heart that God would take care of me.

My blood pressure was so high that morning of surgery, that they did want to do the surgery. I said "go ahead do it, I will be okay". In other words I put myself in God's hands and I trusted him. I believed in God, I trusted him to bring me through the surgery, I was not afraid and I knew I would be okay, and he did. Yes, I did wake up in intensive care and yes, they were struggling to bring my blood pressure down, but I knew I would be okay and I knew God was allowing me to live. He gave me another chance.

I've been doing alot of thinking about this. Now why would he bring me through this surgery unless he has a purpose for me being here? Really? How many times do I have to face death before I go beyond believing in him and truly put myself in his hands and trust him. Twice in my life I have had to be literally revived. Once I even watched ER people working on me as I watched from outside of myself, and I was going towards the bright lights of the Other Side and instead was sent back to LIVE. (Yes, I felt the warmth and I was not afraid to walk toward the Lights, I felt so welcome. I did not feel Alone. Having gone through that experience I am not afraid to die.)

I know deep inside me of, this is my Last Chance to Live, this is it, I will have no more chances.

I need to Trust God enough to stop trying to manipulate my life and do it my way, instead of "giving him the wheel and letting him drive". I love that song that Carrie Underwood wrote and sings.

Jesus Take The Wheel ~ Carrie Underwood

She was driving last Friday on her way to CincinnatiOn a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It would been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands'
Cause I can't do this all on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the wayI've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
'Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh, Jesus take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on

Jesus take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, oh

That's my problem, many many times, I believe in Him but I don't trust Him with Me. I keep circumventing his plan, I keep rewriting it my way, instead of going beyond just believing and trusting Him. Instead of putting my troubles in his hands, I try to do it myself which ends up with me all stressed out and frustrated, when I could have just prayed and put it in his hands and trusted Him.

How come I only pray intensely when things crumble around me and get out of hand and I give up and say okay "God take it from me".

You know this past year I haven't been taking care of my physical self 24/7. I really haven't been taking care of my spiriual self, either. I know that if I take care of my spiritual self, things with my mental self will start to heal and things with my physical self will also be better. I may not be making much sense here, but I truly believe that taking care of my spiritual self will put everything in order.

When I first moved to San Antonio I wanted to construct a prayer garden in the corner of my backyard. Drew up a plan and it was going to be put in by our gardner. You know a peaceful place where I could pray, light candles, pretty flowers, a place all mine, a peaceful getaway. Never happened with all this going back and forth to Vegas to put out my kids fires. Them first, then me.

Well, I've been home for a month yesterday, the longest I have been in my new home since leaving Hawaii. I have in my bedroom a long shelf by the window and I have made me a shrine of sorts on one end, in the corner. My favorite pictures of my children and grandchildren. Candles. Flowers. My favorite things. My bibles and devotional books. I have created my little Prayer Garden.

I play soothing music and I read and I pray. I can look out the window and enjoy the beauty of God's work, the sky, the forest, the rain as it falls, the sun on days of sunlight and yesterday the beauty of the frost and icicles.

I may move it to another room where I can truly spend time alone, but for now it is okay here cause my Hubby, the way he is does not like to be alone, I can not exclude him from my presence and anyways he is often quiet in the room reading or sleeping and let's me be or goes in the living room to watch TV.

I am working on putting my life in God's hands. I am working on "giving him the wheel". I am working on going beyond just Believing and truly Trusting Him.

I am finding peace within myself. I am healing my mental and spiritual self slowly each day. In turn the taking care of this Body that God gave me to live in, is becoming more easy to do, cause I not doing this all alone.

Hmmmmmmmmmmm Living in God's hands feels real good, I am going to put every effort to make things right between Him and me. I can't keep doing what I have been doing, I need to fix things in my life now.

Aloha Ke Akua.
Love God
God is Love

2007-01-17T13:01:00.000-08:00

WANT TO KEEP THIS

Posted this in Neighborhood 1/15 want to keep it and see if anything changes in 6 months:

Aloha,

I am curious as to what our Neighbors will suggest. My surgerversary is just 4 days before yours. (12/02/05)I have not ever counted calories, carbs or any of that. I bought a food scale and have never used it.

I still eat off of my small Japanese dishes with a baby spoon. If it don't fit on it, I don't eat it. I think they hold about 1/2 a cup or less.

I eat 5-6 small meals a day. One or two may be just fruit. Like strawberries, cantaloupe, pineapple, mandarin oranges, mango or something fresh on sale, sometimes about 2 tablespoons cottage cheese with it.

I used to do protein shakes 24/7 but somewhere along the line, I have replaced them with eggs, chicken, fish or other solid proteins. I do have a shake if I am sick or out of sorts. I call it going back to basics. I don't eat protein bars, tried but don't like them.

I basically eat the same things for the past year. I sometimes will taste something from my hubby's plate when we go out but ususally I'ld end up eating a fish something and some steamed vegies. Some may call it boring but I found that I don't need variety and I don't need to experiment when I did my weight would not budge, I'ld plateau.

What I eat works for me, I am happy with what I eat, so I figure why mess with it. Yes, I don't have all that fresh fish I had in Hawaii but I have been buying frozen mahimahi, snapper, tuna, shrimp, salmon and on occasion to treat my self king crab or lobster. I tried talapia, but it's a mind thing, it's the last fish a Hawaiian will eat only when there ain't no other fish around and is starving.

Yes, I have eaten things I shouldn't have even put in my mouth, candy, chips, fruit cake and have regretted it. I get very sick when I eat ice cream, drink milk or certain cheese. Though I can tolerate cottage cheese.I have a hard time with beef so I stay away from it. I can tolerate pork which I usually slice thin and cook with vegies and tofu.

Now I know you going get all kinds of input cause we all have different ways satisfying our tummys and for some reason "one size don't fit all".What works for me may not work for anyone else. But I thought I'ld share with you what I eat and how I eat.I plan to eat like this for life. It works for me.

At the beginning the pounds just dropped off big time, must have been all that water weight, then it steadily and slowly dropped at a rate which I thought was a good way and healthy way for me. I did at times not drop a pound in a week but then it would start up again the following week, I think with women it has to do with our hormones and stuff. Anyways, if I got frustrated, I went all the way back to the basics and my weight would start dropping again.

These are my numbers.I am 5' 9 1/2 inches tall. (If I am not mistaken you are tall, too.)

One year prior to surgery I was almost 400 pounds. I had to lose weight to have the surgery.Date of surgery 12/02/05 I was 349.7 pounds

Today I am 206 pounds.Aloha forever to 143.7 pounds.

I would like to be around 170-160 pounds.Got about 36 to 46 pounds to go depending how I feel when I reach 170 and decide that there is where I want to be.

Shared my stats to show that the way I eat works for me. It may not work for anyone else.

I just need to EXERCISE.

Now I'm waiting to see what everyone else shares and maybe there will be something I can use to tweak what I do.

2007-01-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

HUFFING AND PUFFING

I may be huffing and puffing but I did it.

15 minutes on the treadmill and 3 minutes on the bike.

2007-01-17T11:10:00.000-08:00

THOUGHTS

Lee really got me thinking and I just had to put what she shared here in my blog cause I don't want any of this to get lost. Because you know she inadvertently kicked my sorry butt. I have been keeping myself from reaching my highest potential. I have been making choices that have been holding me back in my journey after wls.

I don't know if I explaining myself right here but what I am trying to say is that I know that many of these values are the very things that are either hindering me from reaching my goals or they are helping me to get to my goals depends what list I want to choose from.

It all depends which ones I choose for the day. I can either dwell in the what if's, make excuses, and continue to think I fooling myself or others for the day or I can choose from the list of positive values and be for real.

That's the bottom line.

One thing I know for sure is that if I did not have the LAWLS neighborhood family I would not be as far ahead on this journey as I am.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeello? Anybody home? How many coconuts must hit my head before I see the light???????

So knowing that, I am turning off this computer and rev up the stationary bike and do what I got to do. geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh!

2007-01-17T11:06:00.000-08:00

AND EVEN MORE

What to do.A lot of decisions and choices were made a very long time ago. Most of them at this point are unconscious. We go through our day in a sort of autopilot, similar to driving a car.

● Become curious! Be Alive! Be Awake! Be Alert!
● Learn to identify when you are in “autopilot” and uncover these hidden commitments you made for yourself to keep. Perhaps at the time you made them there was a good reason for them, but now there isn’t.
● Most of the time the first “commitments” we make, as very small children, are the most powerful and becoming aware of them in your present goes a long way in loosening their control over you, to not address they will always override all your current desires and dreams.

● Questions to ask yourself, that may expose some of your hidden commitments:
● List a goal you have been unable to attain.
● List actions, taken or not taken, that are in direct opposition to this goal
● Imagine your choices are an expression of a deeper commitment
● Close your eyes
● Ask yourself, with what commitment are my choices aligned?
● When you are making a choice now, ask yourself the following questions:
● Will this choice bring me long term fulfillment or short term gratification?
● Will this choice move me toward an inspiring life?
● Am I centered or trying to please other people?
● Am I looking for what’s wrong or what’s right?
● Will this add to my life?

When you read the following, what are you reading?

“Opportunityisnowhere”

2007-01-17T11:01:00.000-08:00

MORE GOOD STUFF

Choices aligned with your “Essence” create:

● Having empathy for others
● Taking time for yourself
● Spending time with those you love
● Noticing what you have done well
● Resting
● Having fun
● Playing
● Exercising
● Eating wel
l● Spending your money wisely
● Planning for the future
● Being with people who inspire you
● Taking time to nurture yourself
● Doing what’s in the best interest of you and your community
● Appreciating yourself
● Being honest with yourself and others
● Honoring your word
● Paying your bills on time
● Being compassionate
● Being intimate with those you love
● Making love
● Allowing others to contribute to you
● Creating a powerful support system
● Speaking the Truth
● Saying No
● Doing charity work
● Telling others how much they mean to you
● Doing what you love
● Going after your dreams
● Making choices consistent with where you want to go
● Dancing
● forgiving
● Taking responsibility
● Looking for what’s good
● Looking for what’s right
● Doing a job well
● Being present for your children
● Listening to others from your heart
● Receiving other’s love
● Empowering those around you.

2007-01-17T10:57:00.000-08:00

GOOD STUFF FROM LEE

Coaching for Victory is the lecture portion of the aftercare program my surgical group sponsors. It’s conducted by Dr. Evelyn Frye. It takes place the third Monday of every month. She has a very large general practice in Nashville. There are several psychologists and psychiatrists in her practice. Her main experience is in treating addiction, so she does the work for the obesity center hands on, this also includes the two small group sessions she holds during lunch on Thursday and Friday each week.I attended my first lecture this last Mon. I thought I’d try to pass along my notes, in case anybody might be interested. It was two and a half hours, so she covered a lot of territory, bear with me, I’ll see if I can get any of it to make sense. Here’s my first installment.Now that you have had wls and you’re on program towards losing or maintaining your weight losses, it’s time to wake up to who you are and learn to make all your choices with respect and in total agreement with the “essence” of who you are.We have all been learning and making choices from the time we were in the womb. By the time we’re 18 mos. old we have decided to trust or not to trust.

All the decisions, about likes and dislikes, good and bad, can become inconsistent with the “essence” of who we are.

If we continue to dishonor ourselves in order to please others, the following happens:
Being around people who criticize you and can’t see your magnificence.
● “Should’s”
● “Have to’s”
● Perceived obligations
● Trying to be nice
● Withholding communication
● Lying to yourself
● Gossiping
● Being late
● Not caring about other’s feelings
● Comparing yourself to others
● Judging yourself
● Judging others
● Not taking time to enjoy what you have
● Looking to others to make you happy
● Living in fear
● Withholding success from yourself
● Thinking that others are better than you
● Giving away your power
● Ignoring your deepest desires
● Overspending
● Overeating
● Overindulging
● Wasting your time
● Deflecting compliments
● Trying to be someone you are not
● Not setting strong boundaries
● Not having enough alone time
● Withholding love from your family
● Withholding acknowledgment from yourself
● Over exhausting yourself
● Ignoring your inner voice

2007-01-16T22:03:00.000-08:00

It's Icy Cold

It's been really cold all day, so cold that there are icycles hanging from the rafters and plants outside. I think it is so cool. Ran and got my camera and took pictures. Who would think it would be this icy cold in San Antonio. They say it may snow later this evening, I'm staying up just so I can check if it happens.

This is the longest I have been in my new home since moving here in June. Driving back and forth to Vegas just about every two weeks really threw our finances to the wind. Dealing with my kids issues has been the pits and I really needed to get a grip and stop running to bail them out. Having pneumonia too also made me get a a grip, and of course has made it important for me to stay put here and take care of myself.

I love my new home. Was so upset when my son did not move here with my 5 grandkids as planned. But there is a reason for everything that happens in our life and now thinking about it, it is better this way, me here and them way over there. Goodness they would be dropping everything on my shoulders and I would defintely not have any kind of life. Mama will save the day, right? Right. I am starting to count my blessings.

I want to do some traveling, some exploring. Maybe drive to Dallas or Houston when the weather gets better. Just want to do something new, something different. There are so many things I still got to go see, experience and do. So many doors to open. Life is so wonderful. Yes, even with it's ups and downs.

2007-01-15T11:02:00.000-08:00

EXERCISE

Out of the 4 Tools I need to be successful with my WLS I am having problems with Exercising. I hate Exercising. I just can't get myself to do anything but WALK, and I walk when I feel like it and if it means shopping to do it, I shop, I can shop everyday, if I shop every day I walk right? Right.

But yesterday I spent the whole day resisting the urge to go shop till I drop. Thus no exercise, except my walking around the house cause I'm restless and feel caged in. With the past two weeks I have bought a treadmill and a stationary bike. They sit gathering dust. They look good. I even went to Walmart and picked up some jogging pants, told myself I need them to go to the gym. They sitting in the closet with the tags still on them.

So I have a treadmill, a stationary bike and a gym membership. Now to use them.

I have convinced myself that anything beyond walking is unnecessary. After all I have been losing weight steadily, I feel healthy, I look good. I don't have hanging skin except on my tummy area. A little under my arms. My butt looks like a sharpei. I have been blessed with thin legs no matter if I got to 400 pounds, I always looked like an ostrich. I can stuff my loose skin in size 20 jeans and hide it, I mean size 20 jeans is a miracle in itself and they are loose so I can probably fit in 18's. I had a bra fitting done and the bra I have puts them babies where they supposed to be. I have no skin issues on my legs, ankles or thighs. Just my tummy.

Now it is probably a fact that if I did start doing other things besides walking since surgery I would have reached my goal weight already. I may have less of the hanging skin on my belly. But you know, they cuting that off anyway. I hate exercising.

So if I don't exercise what going happen? I going gain all my weight back? I going be fat again? What? I have any easier time eating what I supposed to, then I have going to exercise. I'm 56 years old, I have hated exercising for let's say 50 years of my life. When kids went out for recess, I read a book or just watched. I hated PE, it was the worst part of school for me. I came up with every excuse in the book so I wouldn't have to participate. I had my period all the time. I played my asthma out to the max. If I had to participate I was obnoxious on purpose, messed things up on purpose, I was literally defiant.

Now at 56 years of age I am going to exercise beyond walking? Yeah, right. So it's 15 days into the New Year and 3 days after my birthday and I have to deal with this issue.

Can I beat the EXERCISE MONSTER ?

2007-01-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

SHOP OR DRINK

Sitting here trying my darnest not to go stuff my face. It's not like I am hungry cause I but half hour ago had some tofu and chicken, so my tummy is full. Have been sipping ice water w/wedges of lime in it. I know I am bored stiff. Don't want to do crafts, don't want to do anything but go shopping. But I told myself I was not going shopping. I don't need to go shopping. I want to go shopping just for the hell of it.

Hah, I have replaced stuffing my face with shopping. Well shopping replaced my daily wine and/or bottle of beer. So afraid of killing myself, mixing alcohol witth antibiotics, I turned more to shopping. Pneumonia and all I went shopping. Geeee. Told myself I got to get a grip. Thus the ice water in my wine glass and my struggling not to leave the house and go shopping.

Goodness if I can just make it through this day.

2007-01-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY

I am 56 year old today. I sit here I quess in amazement and a little in shock, who would think! Where did all the years go? Life has been speeding by. But you know what I don't feel old at all, in fact, I am okay that I've been around this long. In fact, I am dropping on my knees and thanking God for letting me be here on this Earth for as long as he has, considering how many close calls I've had in these past ten years of my life.

I bought myself a bouquet of flowers yesterday. I have been buying me flowers for 3 weeks now. In fact I bought two bouquets, one of beautiful spring flowers and a bouquet of yellow roses. The roses smell so heavenly. I have decided that I deserve flowers every day of my life, why not? Why wait till they grace my grave. Why wait till someone buys them for me? Hubby loves them. He can't go buy them for me. I asked him if it was ok and he said of course go get them, if they make you happy. Oh yes, they do make me happy. When I feel out of sorts, a little stressed, depressed, I look at the flowers and smile and think happy thoughts. I never had to buy flowers in Hawaii, they were there in my yard for the picking whenever I wanted. They were everywhere. I miss Hawaii, yes, but that's ok, I am here for a purpose, I know. Hawaii is in my heart and will always be.

I love life. I love living. I look forward to the years of my life ahead so eagerly. There is so much I want to do. And now I can do them, this surgery has opened up so many doors for me. I love walking, just anywhere, to be able to walk so freely, is such an overwhelming undescribable feeling. I feel so free. I just want to walk out the front door and face the world outside every day. And I have been doing just that. I am not taking life for granted, I know how precious it is, and I thank God for this chance to live it to the fullest. Oh he has given me so many chances to get my act together, but this time I know deep in my gut that this is my last chance. And I am not going to blow it. Thus everyday I wake up with this feeling that I must make today count, I can't waste this day of my life. Maybe that is why I have been looking at things in a different perspective than before, I seem to find the beauty and wonder of things much more, I don't dwell too long in upsetting situations and have learned to put things in God's hands. I have found myself in a different level in my life. I have found a sort of peaceful existence. Oh yes, everything is not perfect but things don't get to me as much as before, somehow I know that things will work out in the long run, so why dwell on it, why let it take what ever bit of happiness I have in life away. Life is too short. I cry, yes I do cry, but I dry those tears and pick myself up and move on.

I think I'm just old and wiser. Smile. Been there and done that. I have come to realise that I can choose what I want to do, when I want to do it, and if I don't want to do anything, that is okay too. I don't have to deal with people I don't want to deal with. It is okay to say no. It is okay to be selfish and think of myself first at times. If you don't like me, that's okay, there's someone out there who likes me, so I don't have to waste any of my energy trying to get you to like me, it just was not meant to be. I have discovered who are true friends. One true friend means more than a bunch of "so called friends". I've discovered that my being silent and listening, really listening to others, is very rewarding, and often I am doubly blessed as things go full circle and in the giving of myself, I get much more in return.

I've learned to love myself. That is a miracle in itself. Didn't love my skinny self when I was skinny. Didn't love my fat self when I was fat. What was I thinking? At least I was living, I had a body, skinny or fat to live in. Goodness, what was I thinking? Sooooooo, this is me. I love me, I love this body. Now coming to that conclusion, there is only one thing left to do and that is to take care of this body that I have. After all, like I always said so flippingly "if no more this body, where I going live". Like ahhhhhhhhhhhh duh, what were you thinking? Light bulb finally on!!!!!

Okay, a birthday cake with 56 candles and one more for good luck would defintely catch fire. Eating the cake would make me get the foamies and have me lying in bed moaning for couple of hours. To tell you the truth, I don't even want a piece of cake. I'm content to just sit here and think of the birthday cakes I had as a child or the lopsided cakes my children baked for me as surprises. My most memorable birthday was the day my grandson Kanoa was born on my 46th birthday, now what is the odds of that happening? He is truly a gift from God. My dad who is 76 has recently in the past ten years always called on my birthdays and laughingly say,"you catching up to me". I am, I am, daddy.

Who would think I'ld be 56 years old? Not me. And guess what I am perfectly okay being 56 years old and I am looking forward to the years of life ahead of me.

Date of surgery: 12/02/05 349 pounds

My Birthday : 01/12/07 206 pounds

Aloha Forever 143 pounds

2006-11-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

Being Thankful

Life is so wonderful this Thanksgiving. I am healthy. I feel blessed. So much has happened in the past 11 months. So may miracles, so many opportunities. I thank God for all his blessings.

Date of Surgery December 2, 2005 : 349.7 pounds
Today Thanksgiving 2006 : 214 pounds
Goodbye forever : 135 pounds

Now how good is that! I have lots to smile about.

Today we are going to have Thanksgiving with a group of Hawaii people who live in San Antonio. I have been baking cookies, brownies, and pretzels. Did have a few pretzels which proceeded to make me sick, so stopped munching and today I am determined to watch what I eat and just enjoy talking story and enjoying some hula. Hope we get to sing Christmas carols too, I love Christmas time.

I love life.

2006-11-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

11 Months Post Op

Today, I am 11 months Post Op. Unbelievable, how time has gone by. So much has happened in these past months since WLS. My life has changed alot. I think on my one year anniversary I will do a timeline recap of the changes.

I went clothes shopping with my daughter yesterday. Bought me Size L sweaters, and a size 20 pair of black corduroy jeans. I also purchased a beautiful black sequinned blouse and long black skirt that makes me look very slim and suave. I tried it on and couldn't believe that was me in the mirror. It is so nice to be able to buy pretty clothes, not dumpy old lady looking clothes. My daughter's eyes went wide when the jeans I tried on fit me as it is one size smaller than hers. I just grinned ear to ear.

I am in Nevada dealing with family issues, did not plan to come here till the end of the month. Will be going back to Texas in a few days. I have been watching what I eat and stuff. i was hoping to be under 200 pounds on my year anniversary but I don't think so, but I've done real well considering what I have had to deal with for the past 11 months. I am just happy that I am alive and healthy and have the energy to deal with my life issues. Sometimes it's so hard, but I am learning that the more and more I turn things over to God and let him do his thing, my burdens become lighter. Things always seem to have happened for a reason and they all seem to work out for the best in the end.

Date of Surgery December 2, 2005: 349.7 pounds

Today November 2, 2006: 220 pounds

Goodbye Forever : 129.7 pounds

2006-10-19T22:01:00.000-07:00

WEIGH IN

Date of surgery 12/02/05 349.7 pounds

Last weigh in 09/18/06 226 pounds

Today's weigh in 10/19/06 221 pounds

Goodbye forever 128.7 pounds

Looking good so far!!!!!!!!! Watching those carbs does work. Also using the food scale.

The scale has not been moving for a whole month, but my clothes sizes have been dropping. From a size 24/26 jeans last month, I am wearing a 22 jeans which is loose at the waist and slipping down my hips. From a tight buttons bursting 5XL blouse I wore prior to surgery I'm now wearing a loose 2XL/XL depending on the cut at my waist.

2006-10-05T13:52:00.000-07:00

HUGGING KIM

Being able to meet and hug Kim in person is beyond words, it is truly like winning the lottery. Kim is so beautiful. She rediates warmth, she is so caring, so precious. She is a for real person, nothing fake about her. I really just wanted to keep hugging her and not let go. She has been my "security blanket" prior to surgery and still is. When I feel lost with anything pertaining to WLS I know I can go to her for advice and hugs, and kicks in the butt when needed.

Looking into Kim's beautiful eyes was a dream come true. Meeting her made my whole trip to SF super super special.

Well, it's been five days since meeting Kim in person and I am still feeling overwhlemed, but I have been looking within myself and doing alot of thinking. I am so blessed to have met Kim. I am making some adjustments to my life after WLS and it is happening because of my visit with her.

Actually seeing Kim in person and seeing what she has accomplished healthwise and bodywise by following the rules of WLS, has inspired me to commit even harder to follow the rules.

Kim is a WLS Success Model.

If Kim can accomplish what she has done, then so can I. Because of her, I am throwing out all the excuses I have been making about not wanting to be too skinny. I need to be truthful to myself, I have been looking for the easy way out, the excuse to go only half way with what this surgery offers me. Excuses for the times I have grazed or ate what I shouldn't have. I have been looking and using excuses to cheat just a little bit and say it is okay cause I don't want to look like Twiggy. The doc says I'll lose 1/3 of my weight, so ok I'll settle for that. I have come to the realization that I am cheating myself from reaching goals I can reach but in reality I am settling for second best.

Kim did not settle for second best. She reached and is still reaching for the stars above the stars she reached. I have been reaching for the stars but have been settling for "almost reaching the stars". Why? Am I so used to be second best, chosen last, most times not chosen at all, that I am okay being where I am at.

Well, meeting Kim in person has changed all that. I am going to lose 65 more pounds and whatever more I can, which should take me to about 140-160 which is good for my height. I lose more than that I'm going on a cruise to Europe.

The pictures that Kim took of me looks fat. I am still fat! I do not like them. Look how beautiful she looks, look how fat i still am. The one of me alone with all that teeth, I look like a horse! I refuse to settle for less. I want to be a picture of super duper health, just glowing with it, like Kim does. What the h3ll have I been thinking.

You know how you look in the mags at those before and after pictures. And you sigh. And you go yeah right, they must have fixed up this picture, this can't be real. Well, I got to see, and hug the real thing.............................Kim.

I know things happen in my life for a purpose. God he has a page in my book of life that he wrote Kim's name in and arranged for us to meet. He shared Kim, his miracle, with me. I needed her in my life, right now, as I have been so depressed and slowly sliding back to old habits and not making the most of this second chance of life that God has given me. God set Kim right in front of me, and I was blessed with her presence. He knew I needed her and our meeting was a gift from heaven.

So since Kim suuuuuuuuuuuupah duuuuuuuuuuuuuuupah hugging me, I have been looking deep within myself and NO I am not going to settle for "second best", "almost reach the stars".
I'm going all the way and I am going to be a WLS SUCCESS too.

2006-10-05T13:40:00.000-07:00

THOUGHTS

I'm in Vegas for a few days. Had a great time in San Francisco, doing the sites, spending time with my son, his wife and grandaughters (2). Chinatown is so much fun, they have the wierdest things for sale.......but so much fun to look at. The trolley was also fun too. We caught the ferry in Vallejo, 45 minutes to Port of SF, took a bus, tram, trolloey and lots of walking. SF experience is one that everyone has to experience. Ate at Fisherman's Grotto, tasted the clam chowder in the bread bowl, shared seafood platter w/ hubby, it was all so much fun.

Even went to the Jelly Belly Factory. Oh I used to love jellybeans and candy corn. Took a picture of me huggy the candy corn wall. I was surprised that I coudl do the whole tour and not stuff myself with jellybeans. That part of my life is gone. The fear of being sick kept me from partaking in anything..........it was just fun to watch how jelly beans are made.

Toured the Budweiser Brewery. I tasted the Budweiser Peels Drinks..........fruit flavored beer.
I love the blueberry/pomegrante beer which tasted just like juice. I don't drink so had to sip little bit or I'ld be drunk esp. with this tiny tummy. That beer coulod lead me to drinking alcohol, it was good. Same alcohol content as the Bud so had to be careful, not to mention the calories!

Well out of the whole SF trip the highlight of all it all was meeting Kim. I will conver it in my next blog posting because it was so special and has affected me very positively.

2006-09-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

TRYING TO FIND ME

Tuesday evening decided to drive to Vegas and be with my grandkids. So packed and left early Wednesday morning. Slept Wednesday night a Fort Bliss, El Paso. Woke Thursday morning and drove 12 hours to Vegas.

I've been having a hard time these past few weeks in San Antonio. I have been depressed, missing Hawaii, overwhelmed with being my husbands caretaker and not happy with my son's decision to buy a home in Vegas instead of coming to SA. I had all these plans to fill my days doing things with my grandkids. I moved to SA to have my family near me not some 2o something hours away. Well I know there must be a reason why things turned out this way and I need to be patient about this, but right now it just sucks.

My visit to the psych was so so. She seems to not be able to comprehend or understand the Hawaiian me. I may be expecting too much of her and anyway it is hard to start all over with a new therapist. She has a hard act to follow, Jaqueline my therapist in Hawaii and I just clicked, I could talk to her about anything. Anyway I spent part of the therapy session crying for Jaqueline. The psych was jotting away on her note pad, I wonder what she was jotting down. I don't know if this will work out but I'll give it another try. One good thing about the session was when I mentioned having WLS, she knew of a support group in the area. When I get back to SA in mid October, I'll go check them out.

I'll be going to San Francisco tomorrow and stay there for 5 days with my son Kamuela, his wife and two daughters on Travis Air Force Base. I have never been to San Francisco so I am excited. I am even more excited cause I'll have lunch on Sunday with Kim (sarge). It seems sureal, like a dream, meeting Kim will surely make the Neighborhood more real as I get to hug a real live breathing Kim! I am so excited, I get to meet my hero, my mentor.

Well I am trying to find me. I am trying to smile and be happy and greatful. Sometimes it is hard. I hope the psych works out. I really need someone to help me sort everything that is racing in my head.

2006-09-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

REGROUPING Reread my blog and have been doing some really hard thinking. These past 10 months have been really amazing. Looked at my ups and downs, I have been thinking over what I have been through since I have had WLS. My life has changed so much and it is all for the good. I am so happy that I have this record as it helps me to remember why I had WLS surgery in the first place. I don't want to be sick again, dying again. I like being alive. I must do what I have to do so I can do all the things in life that I want to still do. Printed out what I have written. I think I will make a scrapbook kind of thing. Something I can hold in my hands and look through when I feel depressed and when I am falling off track. I need to gather all my morbidly obese pictures and put them in this journal/scrapbook. I need something to remind me of how it was before WLS. How quickly I have forgotten how life was then. I have become complacent and this has got to stop.

I have found a pstchologist who will see me on Thursday. I need to work things out with her. I need to sort out all this junk in my mind. I am going to win this time.

2006-09-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

TEN MONTHS POST OP

I have been really bad with blogging and honestly it's because I am not really applying myself to the journey afer WLS. I seem to be in a testing myself stage, seeing how far I can go till I fail. Stupid really but it seems to be what I am doing to myself. Usually on whatever diet I was on this would be about the time I would be failing and gaining back every pound I lost. I just don't know why I am doing this to myself except that I am being truly self destructive. I don't want to fail but I seem to be headed that way. Playing mind games with myself. Waiting to fail, waiting for something to go wrong. I need to count my blessings there really hasn't been any post op problems.

I've been on the phone this afternoon looking for a psychologist. I truly need to go back to counseling. Things are just so overwhelming. Maybe that's why I am feeling the way I am.

Here I am in San Antonio when truly I wish I was in Hawaii. San Antonio is fine but I miss my dad, my sisters and brothers. I miss my house in Hawaii. Things would be great if my son and his children did come here as we planned but no he bought a home in Vegas and I miss them so.

This past week my son from Virginia was here and it was nice having him but he left yesterday and I am missing him. I need to get my self busy or I'm going to go crazy here.

We was supposed to go back to Hawaii mid next month but that has changed. I want to drive to Vegas and be with my kids and grandkids but have to wait till we are done with all our doctor appointments. I just don't feel like unpacking anything, I haven't put pictures on the walls, I seem to be ready to leave on the spur of the moment if I want to. I know there is a reason why things changed and my husband and I are alone here, but I just can't cope with things now.

I just have to think positive. Tomorrow be a better day. I'll call around and find me a psych to talk to, to help me sort things out. Need to g back to the gym 24/7. Went today and felt fine after and even went walking later in the day. I just am depressed missing my children and grandchildren.

DATE OF SURGERY 12/02/05: 349.7 pounds

TODAY 09/18/06 : 226 pounds

GOODBYE FOREVER : 123.7 pounds

I will get my act together and do what I got to do. I did not go through WLS surgery for nothing. I like being thinner, I like being healthy, I like being able to do so many things I could not do prior to WLS surgery.

2006-08-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

8 months 3 weeks Post Op Unbelievable how time has gone by. I couldn't wait to get back from the gym today just so I coud blog away. It felt so good returning to the gym after being away for over 3 weeks. Did water aeorbics today, the water felt great and relaxing. Walked couple of laps and then got into the aerobics class. Afterwards went to Lowe's and walked up and down the aisles. Bought a small table so I have something to do my crafts on and two lamps that was on sale. I just feel so upbeat today................well this great feeling started first thing this morning. I put on my bathing suit and it was so baggy and big, the straps literally fell of my shoulders. There was no way I could wear it to the gym pool. I was so giddy with amazement, showed my husband what I looked like in the saggy baggy oversized bathing suit, I needed a witness to this momentous occassion!

So of course when I got to the gym locker room the first thing I did was get on the scale. I had to get off and get on several times, cause I was sure as hell it wasn't me being weighed.

Day of WLS 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds

Today 08/28/06 : 227 pounds

Goodbye forever : 122.7 pounds

I didn't gain weight these past 3 weeks !!!!!!! I lost weight. Can't believe it. Except I did do alot of walking around and I never could seem to keep still chasing after my 5 grandkids.

Got to stay on track. I hear you Sarge Kim, this does not give me the okay to go out and buy any pretzels. I have cut down to one fruit a day but I have to go to at least 2 cause I am getting constipated even if I sip alot of water. Fruit is my savior. I think it was all those pretzels that affected my blood sugar, that and the jumba juice and the mocha frapaccino's with whip cream. Nevah confess about them, yeah, I know, bad girl. Was so hot in Vegas I started sipping my daughter in laws and next thing I knew I was ordering my own. It was not only my fruit which I have lived on basically since surgery that caused my blood sugar to soar. I got to own up to my having made bad choices in order to be a success on this WLS journey.

Depressed? Hell no. In fact I'm going to go to the mall and walk around and look at clothes that I'll be able to wear in the near future. I can't remember when I last weighed 227 pounds. I just want to shout out to the world...............look at me!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

PROTEIN....SIP SIP SIP Back on the wagon. Munching on cucumbers. Thinking of how far I've come. Did so much this past 3 weeks. Had tons of energy. I could actually keep up with my 5 grandkids. My son kept saying "mama you sure you can do that?" as I went zipping around picking up after the kids, cooking, doing laundry and all those millions of things you have to do to keep up with 5 kids. I did okay when we were at the hotels and the theme parks, it was when I drove that I keep munching, to stay awake, to beat boredom, to keep unstressed from driving unfamiliar traffic. Pretzels, hard candy, pretzels, fruit, pretzels. It's 7-8 hour drive from SA to El Paso, sleep over, then 6-7 hours to Phoenix, sleep over then 4-5 hours to Vegas. Stayed in Vegas 5 days visited with my dad, sisters and brother then drove to Santa Barbara where my oldest son coached at the Michael Jordan camp, 4-5 hours. Stayed in Santa Barbara 3 days, then drove to LA, stayed two nights, visited Universal Studio. Then drove back to Vegas. Stayed with my son 8 days, then drove back to SA, stopping in Tuscon overnight, then stayed in El Paso two nights. I have to do all he driving as my hubby no longer can. I don't moind at all, but I have this need to munch when I drive. So I munched my way round trip. Actually looking forward to jumping on a scale and checking to see how much I weigh. I hope the damage is not too bad. I really walked alot in these past three weeks so hopefully I walked off all that munching I did while driving. When I drove from El Paso today I munched mostly on ice cubes........stopped every so often to fill up my cup with more ice. It helped curb the munching. I munched but not as much as I did whenever I drove these past two weeks. As I drove through the desert, I kept reflecting on my life and how it has changed for the better due to my having WLS. The scenary was so beautiful. I think I'm going to start collecting some cactus, I just never realised now many different kinds there are. Well the packers come tomorrow and I will be busy unpacking. I guess when I see my stuff, I'll truly believe that I have moved here and this is not a dream. I was getting used to living in this empty house. I can't wait to unpack my craft stuff and do some crafting. I will succeed in my life after weight loss surgery.

2006-08-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

NEED TO GET A GRIP Haven't blogged awhile. Paying the price for it. There is no taking vacation from Living After WLS. I have absolutely lost my mind. Lost a 100 pounds and then stupidly acting like, okay I'm done with this. Yeah right. Here I am injecting myself with insulin again............trying to bring the numbers down. What next, heh..........congestive heart failure again and all the symptoms of diabetes and .........a huge surgercal scar, a rearranged stomach done for what??????? I must be losing my mind. Big wakeup call today when I crossed the border to Juarez. Pulled out my passport and looked at the picture of 400 lb plus me taken two and a half years ago and just could not believe that it was me. No way would the border guards let me in with this passport. My drivers license shows an obese me also. But the point is I got to look at the me not but 9 months ago. What the hell am I doing today, sabotaging myself and undoing what good the WLS had done for me so far. I'm having a hard time falling asleep right now as all I want to do is get home and get my act together. Get back to the gym and get myself back in gear. I want to live. I love being able to walk around not in pain, I never want to ride a wheelchair again. I actually sat on the sand in Santa Barbara a week ago and played in the sand with my grandchildren. That was a miracle in itself. We even went to Universal Studio and I rode rides that I thought I'ld never be able to ride and I walked and walked and had so much energy and so much fun. I love this new life of mine, so I must get my act together. No time for depression, no time for self pity, no time for regrets of what I have been putting in my mouth for the past three weeks. It's time to take care of this body of mine. Without this body, there is no me.

2006-07-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

31 Weeks Post Op
I've been in San Antonio for 1 month now. Unbelievable. Time sure goes by quickly. Things are okay. I do miss Hawaii. Miss seeing the ocean and definetly miss the cool breeze. It's so hot here, I wish I could breath some real air instead of this air conditioning. It's kind of nutso as I get cold at times in the house due to the air conditioning and it is set at 75 degrees. So I go out on the back porch for a few minutes, get warmed up, then am too hot so I have to go back in the air conditioning and then get too cold again and go back outside to get warm again for a few minutes. My husband thinks I lost it as before I had to have the air condition blasting cause I was always too hot.
This week I haven't been doing too well with controlling my eating. I need to eat more protein as I am snacking on pretzels for no other reason than I am snacking like a fool knowing that it is definitely a no no. I lost a 100 pounds and I guess I think I can take a break from my WLS routine or something. Well, today is a new day and I am going to stick to my WLS routine as I have at least 70-80 pounds to go and there just is no vacation on this journey. I just don't know what I was thinking. It's those old habits creeping back. Scary how I can sabotage myself.
I like the new me, the thinner me. I like how I look. I feel so alive and so healthy. No way am I going back to the MO unhealthy me. This LAWLS is not easy. It takes a lot of will power to stay on track. I will do this. For Me. I have to if I want to be able to live.
I think I'll go to the Mall and find me some MO people and just watch them shopping. That should be a good reality check for me. It will help me remember how I struggled to shop. In fact I remember just shopping in places where there was a grocery cart so I had something to throw my purse in and lean on as I walked around. At the Mall I had to find a bench every so often to sit and rest. Maybe I don't need to go to the Mall, just writing about it is giving me flash backs. Maybe I need to blog more and definitely drop in to the LAWLS neighborhood more often.
I guess it's all about getting ones priorities straight. I can not be too busy for me. First me and then everything else. That was the core of my problem before, setting myself first. I have been falling back into that old habit, doing for others and setting myself on the shelf for laters, when I have time. Goodness, what am I thinking. I don't have time to waste. This is it. I'm 55 years old not 20, 30 or 40. There are so many more things I want to do in this life time. I will stop this back paddling and get myself moving forward again. Being alive is just too wonderful. WLS is nothing to play around with. I made a commitment when I decided to have this surgery and I am recommitting myself to the Journey today.
Date of Surgery 12/02/05: 349.7 pounds
Today 07/15/06 : 238 pounds
Goodbye Forever : 111.7 pounds

2006-07-02T17:07:00.000-07:00

7 Months Post Op

Today 7/2/06 I am officially 7 months post op. I find it quite surreal that just last December 2, I went into surgery afraid, but so determined that I was going wake up from surgery and do what ever it took to get control of my health. It has not been easy. My only regret is that I did not have it earlier in life, but what days on earth that God has left for me, I will make the most of. I was given a second chance at life and I am ever so greatful.

This body of mine is all I have to live in. It is my duty to malama "take care" of it as without this body, I can be no more.

I look at this scar on my tummy and am reminded why I had this surgery. I was so very sick and there was so many things that I could not do just 7 months ago. Just to walk was a struggle, my legs hurt so and I struggled to breath after every step. I always had to sit and rest . I was always tired but was afraid to sleep because I was afraid that I would not wake up. I struggled to take care of myself, bathing, dressing and keeping myself fresh and clean. I was so depressed. So tired of being so big. So tired at times of just living. There was times that I would go to my grandmother's grave and plan my being buried next to her. I really had no plans for being around much longer.

Today I have a new outlook on life. I love living. I have plans to live. I see myself as a healthy senior citizen. I see a future of doing fun things with my hubby, with my children and grandchildren. I want to travel around. I want to go do the things that I couldn't do as a morbidly obese person. I wake up each morning and I can't keep still. I have so much of life to catch up on, so many things to more to do.

Date of surgery 12/02/05: 349.7 pounds
07/02/06 : 243 pounds
Goodbye Forever : 106.7 pounds

I really believe that this moving to San Antonio was a great idea, even though people look at me like I am crazy for leaving Hawaii. I do miss Hawaii, there is no place like Hawaii. I miss seeing the ocean every day. I do miss the cool breezes and the tropical plants. But, really I needed to venture out in the world and live again. Hawaii is always there for me, I can always return. My niece is taking care of my home there, I have a place to return to when I'm all old and grey and ready to settle down. Right now I just want to run around and discover new things and just live life to the fullest. It's nice being retired, not having a schedule that I got to follow, just doing things as I please.

Retired at 55, who would think. I am on social security. Fighting the State of Hawaii for medical retirement, but if I don't get it, at age 62 I can collect regular retirement. I think about going back to work but I also tell myself I deserve this time, to just enjoy life, with my husband. It's been a year and a half since I last worked and I am loving it. I have learned during this time that all the things I thought I had to have a really don't need. Especially with this moving, I got rid of so much stuff and realised how much money I wasted through the years. This time around as I set up my new home, I think before buying things, not wanting to be so wasteful this time around. I'm no longer hung up on material things.

I have this excitement in me, I find hard to explain. It's just this feeling of being so happy that I am alive and that there is so many things for me to do every day. So many things to look at, so many things to enjoy. Yesterday just sitting on the back porch watching the birds at the bird feeder, relaxing, reading the paper, just enjoying life, talking with my husband, so peaceful.
Life is good. I finally finished reading a novel and starting on another one. It's been so long since I have been able to just slow down and relax. Taking my time getting up out of bed, like what is the rush I don't need to go anywhere if I don't want to.

I definitely can get used to living like this. I never really realized how blessed I am.

2006-06-24T23:52:00.000-07:00

28 Weeks Post Op

Time seems to be just speeding by. I'm trying to slow down a little and just relax and read a book. But so hard to do when I feel like I have so much of life to catch up on. Having this surgery later in life makes me anxious as I have missed being able to do so much all these years because of being morbidly obese and feel like I need to catch up. Six months prior to surgery and until now I have been running around getting ready to move and now trying to settle in and have not really rested after WLS. Sometimes I feel like I will just collapse from exhaustion but every morning I get up with so much energy that I can not slow down. That's why I know I have to take my vitamins, get the protein in and drink lots of liquids.

I miss weighing in at the airport cause I know the scale is checked regularly for accuracy. But purchased one as believe it or not I am afraid of losing too much weight too fast. Never had that worry before. But want to lose at a even steady pace so as not to get sick.

Date of Surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds

Today 06/25/06 : 250 pounds

Goodbye Forever: 99.7 pounds

I can not believe that I have lost all this weight plus more as I had to lose weight prior to surgery in order to have the surgery. I was once over 400 pounds, then I know I was about 382-386 in December of 2004 when I put my name on the waiting list for surgery and was told I needed to drop some weight and get better control of my health in order to have surgery. I am now doubting the scale I bought and wish I could drive down to cargo to weigh myself. But I must have lost something cause my clothes I bought a few weeks ago are all baggy.

Signed up with a Health Fitness Club, 5 minutes from my house, called Spectrum. Costly but told myself, my hubby and I was worth every penny. Even more than my hooking up to the internet. Tried walking in the Mall but I end up spending too much money there and browsing instead of exercising. I need to tone up and get into a regular routine. I want to prepare myself for those tummy tuck, and here and there fix 'em surgeries, got a year now to do what I got ton do. Spectrum has a lap pool and tons of equipment. Will walk in that pool and go on the treadmill, sometime next month I'll then sign up for the personal trainer and have an exercise program set up, want to get myself in the routine of going first. I am all excited about it. They have a room set aside for women only and I peeked in and watched the big girls, I'm going in with them, I'm still self concious about exercising in public and well I mentally feel I'm still a big girl. Well 250 pounds ain't exactly Twiggy. What I like the most is that they have this computer set up, where it takes your weight, BMI, heart rate, etc. and keeps your info so you can record your progress. I'll be able to tell if this scale of mine is worth keeping or tossing out the window.

I miss posting on LAWLS surgery. I read the posts till I get cutoff. I know I am being cheap by not connecting to the Internet. But when I no longer can stand being cut off, I will hook up. Writing this Blog is a challenge cause I have to keep saving it as a draft so when I get cut off I don't have to start from scratch. The Neighborhood means a lot to me, I am having posting withdrawals and supppaah dupppah hugs withdrawals.

I am trying to introduce new things in to my diet, cause I eat the same things every day. I don't know why I doing this cause apparently what I am doing now is working for me. I am not bored with my meals. I just feel like I missing something or something wrong with me cause I eat the same thing every day. I have no cravings for anything. I eat cause I got to eat, not because I want to. Wonder if this is okay. Next week Friday I'll be 7 months post op, wonder if this behavior of mine is normal.

Gee I best get back to the Neighborhood, talking to myself here.

2006-06-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

Posting Problems

Because I am on a wireless connection it has been difficult to post as the connection is poor. Very frustrating. I miss posting and reading blogs and checking out LAWLS. But I got to make do until we figure out our finances in a month or two after this move to San Antonio. So far I love the gas prices and food prices, they are definitely lower than Hawaii's. I miss Hawaii alot but I am enjoying the daily adventures as I drive out and around. Life is so exciting as I explore.

I am doing okay WLS wise. Doing my best getting in the protein and water. Being able to get fresh fruits is also a plus. No more frozen blueberries for me. I just stand in the vegie/fruit section of the supermarket like a kid in a candy store. I love it. I have been cooking great meals for my hubby and daughter and can just watch them eat and not want a bite of something that is a no no. I just don't want to jeopardize my health.

We got a new primary doctor. I chose her as she is holisic and prescribes meds as the last resort. My last doctor gave me meds for my meds, and I am not going there again. I haven't met her yet, but I am hoping that things work out. I didn't want the military to chose my doc, but if she doesn't work out I can try another one. She so close to the house, I hope it works.

I found some plants to remind me of Hawaii. Gardenias and hibiscus. I will baby them and gradually move them into bigger pots then in the ground. I saw some avacado, guava, and orange trees that I may try to plant later. Also some plumeria, which I just have to have in my yard. Slowly I'll have my tropical garden. I need some color in my yard.

That's what I miss is color. In Hawaii you walk in the store and there's bright colors everywhere. Here not the same, even the pinata's not as colorful. People don't wear bright colors. I got tired of being spoken to in spanish so yesterday, out came one of my bright pareau's, wrap arounds and that's how I went to the supermarket. Not one person spoke to me in spanish, it was nice to be just me. Nothing wrong with being Hispanic, but I felt like I was losing my identity, and some people even if I tell them I don't understand them, they still insist in speaking to me in spanish. I understand that I can be mistaken for Hispanic and I don't have a problem with that, it was just that I wanted to be me Hawaiian. I guess every once in awhile out will come my pareau so I won't lose myself in the world outside the house.

I got a real kick at the International Market where the Korean clerk could speak fluent Korean and Spanish but could barely understand me speaking English. Anyways some people who I explained that I was not Hispanic and was Hawaiian, got excited that I was from Hawaii and asks me all about Hawaii and then the question "Why did you leave Hawaii, to come to Texas?'
Anway all in all I have been meeting very nice and friendly people and each day I am feeling more and more comfortable. But once in awhile the pareau have to come out so I can be who I am for a day.

Drove my daughter to the airport last night, I will miss her. My oldest son and his wife were to join us soon but talking ahout December. So hubby and I are alone in San Antonio, which kind of a plus cause we get to be adventurous alone. I get to set things up in the house the way I want before all the friendly advice arrives. New house, new life. I can handle this.

Hugs to anyone reading this.

2006-06-10T12:53:00.000-07:00

26 Weeks PostOp

Got up early this morning and went to Walmart to buy me a scale. I need to badly weigh myself cause I been in major trouble, nibbling here and nibbling there and telling myself with all this walking I should be fine. Ultimate taste testing this and that, just a little nibble, won't hurt.

Well I didn't gain. Thank goodness. And I know inch wise I went down cause my clothes are so loose. Las Vegas and it's buffets is a bad place to be. Tasting things on my hubby's plate is bad.
I know better, and for the next 3 days I am here I will discipline myself, no tasting nothing.

Date of surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
Today's date 06/10/06 : 260 pounds
Goodbye Forever : 89.7 pounds

My daughter inlaw, Tonia, took me for a pedi/manicure this morning. Talk about feeling like a Queen this morning. I can definitely get used to all this. I like being pampered. Now I have an excuse for grandma not to do the dishes. Smile. With so many in the house we have resorted to paper plates and plastic utensils, but there is always the pots and pans!

I am anxious to get to San Antonio, just want to settle in and put my stuff around and make things homey. I want to plant some flowers. My oldest son ordered a cal/king temperpedic (spelling?) bed to be delivered next week as a present to my husband and I. I won't know how to act on such a bed, I'll feel truly like a queen. I checked them out at a furniture store and could not believe how it feels, I have a pillow of it, and accepted that was as great as it would get. So my son getting it for us is overwhelming. I'm just used to making do, I would have been okay sleeping in sleeping bags until we can afford a new bed.

I am truly happy, life is really different since WLS. I am able to do so much more than I could do before. I am feeling more confident in myself and just so happy to be breathing and alive.
I been smiling and greeting everyone that crosses my path, I can't help myself. They just don't know how grateful I am that I have this second chance at life. People take life so granted. Not me. I'm like the cat with nine lives, keep getting more chances to live, somehow I know that this time, is my last chance.

2006-06-07T22:41:00.000-07:00

Still Living Out Of My Suitcase

There's 7 adults and 7 grandkids in my son Lani's house right now. My son Kamuela arrived a few days ago with his wife and 2 daughters from Illinois. They are on their way to San Francisco as my daughter in law who is in the Air Force was transferred to Travis AFB. Then my youngest son, arrived two days ago from Virginia, to surprise my hubby and I. My daughter who lives in Vegas has been dropping in when not working.

It is so nice to have my kids together, Lani 32, Kamaile 30, Kamuela 29 and Kapua 23 and my two daughter inlaws. My grandkids are 12,9,8,5,2,1 and 2 months old. The house is full, we sort of running into each other but it's just wonderful having them all together. Matresses on the floor, suitcases all over, toys tossed her and there, like one big sleepover.

Amazingly I have been able to cook for them and still prepare stuff for myself. I just so happy that I have the energy to run around and do things. I miss my children so much and having the grandkids together is a bonus, though the noise can be deafening at times. But I enjoying it while I can.

I have munched on some chips then quickly walked away from it. Scary that nothing happened to me. Things would be easier if I was socked across the head each time the chips passed my lips. Bad bad bad. Made myself some fruit and cottage cheese quickly. So much snacks and stuff all over the kitchen. But I am determined to keep on track so I gladly watched the grandkids eating chips and thought of what fun I have clothes shopping.

I went to Las Vegas Outlet Mall today and bought myself a pair of slip on shoes with heels. I have been wearing slippers or slip on clogs. Haven't worn any kind of heels for years, as my ankle and knees could not handle it. Well, I tried on the shoes, walked around the store in them and they felt so good and I felt so feminine and pretty. I couldn't help smiling. I was beside myself, wanted to shout "hey look at me!" Also bought two more jeans capris, size 24 (last week bought one in size 28) and two more blouses. Told myself that I best not buy any more clothes cause these be too big for me in a few weeks.

I'll be leaving for San Antonio next week Monday. I am so anxious to get to my new home and get settled in. Have to setup the doctors for my husband and myself. My daugher driving with us. We planning to make stops along Highway 10. I am so excited even if most of the ride is desert and cactus. Drove to Long Beach yesterday to pick up our van at the pier and the drive was just beautiful, though I was quite unhappy and surprised that I could not see the skys through the air pollution in California. It reminds me of the science fiction movie scenes of the end of the world. I would not want to live where you can not see the blue sky or even clean puffy white clouds.

I'm missing the blue skies of Hawaii and the feeling of a cool breeze on my face. I hope I can take a deep breath outside of my house in San Antonio without choking. This air conditioned air in Vegas, got to go. Can't fling the windows open and let breezes in. I'm starting to miss the smell of my trees and flowers. I haven't been to Vegas during the summer always came in the winter.
Got to get a grip here. I'm going to find a way to plant my piece of paradise in San Antonio. I saw some croutons and t-leaf plants at Walmart, buying them and taking them with me just in case I can't find them there.

I'm not heading back to Hawaii, okay, maybe I'm nuts for leaving in the first place but I needed a change in my life so I'm making it. I can handle this and I will. Home is wherever I can be with my hubby, and my kids don't have to swim miles to get to me. I think I'll feel better about all this once I get to my new home. It will be exciting furnishing it and cruising around the area. My hubby and I be alone till August, then end of August, my son Lani, his wife and 5 kids be staying with us, while their house is being built. So I will be busy and the house be full as I got a 3 bedroom just for me and hubby, I didn't want anything big that I would have to spend hours to clean. Just wanted somewhere to put my stuff and then travel around. Want to visit every state and Canada. Do some cruises and travel to Europe. I want to ride the Amtrack, a trolley car and a ferry and maybe a cab in New York.

No scale anywhere. Miss going to Hawaiian Airlines Cargo. Maybe I'll pick one up at Walmart tomorrow. Afraid of losing too much weight too fast. Sounds weird hah, but I don't want to get sick from not eating enough. Getting in the protein, and sipping lots of water. Checking into the Neighborhood to get my WLS fix. Lots to smile about.

Just enjoying each day of my life.

2006-05-29T19:39:00.000-07:00

you not my grandma

Arrived yesterday evening in Las Vegas. So happy to be with my oldest son, his wife and five grandkids. So sad to have left Hawaii. I need to have my head checked for leaving. It was traumatic driving to the airport, passing the beach front, coconut trees, the mountain in the distance, all the trees and flowers. I know all the reasons why we left but leaving was so hard and then to be at the airport in Oakland so dirty and full of people all stressed out from traveling, I was ready to catch the plane back to Hawaii.
My grandkids jumped all over my husband, as for me I was stared at and comments were made of my weight loss and how good I looked. But the reaction of my grandkids was hard to bear. This morning at breakfast my 5 year old grandson whispered to his mom "That's not grandma. She not my grandma. She don't look like my grandma." I overheard him and my heart just hurt. She explained that it was me. I then explained, reminded my grandkids of when I was very sick, and how I couldn't do anything, and we talked about my losing weight and that I would lose more weight. My 5 year old grandson, "Then no one will make fun of you anymore about being fat, grandma". Out of the mouth of babes, hah.
Kim and I discussed this several months ago, what the reaction of my grandkids may be upon seeing me after a year, as I have been to ill to travel prior to surgery. She warned me that they may react differently towards me. Well, they did and are. Thank goodness we will be here in Vegas for at least 2 weeks, I have time to reaquaint myself with my grandkids.
Hah, Big Grandma Not Big Any More.

2006-05-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

Here I am close up. I actually have a neck, one chin.
Skin healthy and glowing. Hard to believe this me.

2006-05-25T08:04:00.000-07:00

That's me in the green. Hubby in gray, brother in blue, my two sisters and my dad in brown. I used to be the biggest. Not any more.

2006-05-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

Getting down to the Nitty Grits
Almost down to finishing the house. Well, two days till I board the plane. It's getting surreal now, every day as I drive down the road, looking at the ocean, I tell myself, what am I going to do, not being able to look at the ocean every day. Look at the mountain, the trees and sigh. My Hawaii. Then got to look at the reasons for moving and the new adventures ahead of me and get myself excited again.
I have to pack my computer. Sigh. I have to be crazy, this addiction to my computer. I will be lost without it. What for three days, till I get my hands on my son's. I have got to be crazy. I need to pull myself together, and box it up. I more worried about being away from my computer than I am about not seeing th ocean. I got to have my head checked.
I am a new person since WLS. Huh, oh I just came to grips with the fact after looking at a pic taken yesterday of me with my brother and sisters having breakfast with my dad at McDonalds. I keep looking at the pic cause I can't believe that person in green is me. She looks like someone I know, but not me. Is this how others see me? I guess so. Got to be. Cause that is me in the picture. Amazing, the surgery works. Huh, well, it does getting used to the new me.

2006-05-20T02:19:00.000-07:00

23 Weeks Post Op

Date if surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
Today 5/19/2006 : 264 pounds
Goodbye forever to : 85.7 pounds

I finally went to see my surgeon yesterday after putting it off since surgery. It was very nice to see him. I held his hand and thanked him profusely for giving me back my life. I am just so thankful to him and his skills. This surgery has truly saved my life. Dr. Balfour said that I was in very good health, he was very pleased with my progress. Stitches healed well, my liver has shrunk, it was swollen and all fatty pre surgery, my tummy is fine. We talked about my eating habits, the vitamins and proteins and exercise, which by my weight loss, he can tell I have been doing fine. No hernias, thank goodness with all the lifting I been doing trying to pack.
Blood pressure was great. I told him I stopped taking my blood pressure, cholestoral, and kidney pills. I stopped about a month and a half ago cause my blood tests were so good and I have no idea why my primary doctor wouldn't take me off them. He is absolutely clueless in regards to WLS and in fact because of me he is learning about it. He started talking to his other patients about WLS. Any way I just stopped takingg those meds, I know not too smart but I know my body and I know that I didn't need them. Well, the blood tests show I don't so, I not taking them.

As I say goodbye to more weight, I'll eventually get off insulin and that will be the greatest.

I haven't felt this healthy for over 20 years. I started getting sick when I was about 32-33, I was hyperthyroid and then became hypothyroid and the pounds started adding up. From there full blown insulin dependent diabetic, then added on the rest of the complications of diabetes. To watch my diseases reverse day by day is a wonder. This surgery is a miracle.

I am glad I chose life.

2006-05-16T08:51:00.000-07:00

Be Off Line For Awhile
The packers be here in a few hours and I feel like throwing my arms around my computer and not letting go. I'm going to be out in this cruel world without the support of you my cyber friends. It is awfully scary. I am so frightened to be without my life line to the Neighborhood. Imagine I have been linked to LAWLS since preop about seven months ago. I am already starting to feel lonely. I will miss everyone.
So last night I asked my husband if I could go rent a lap top or something till we get on the plane in a week. We'll see, he said. When my son picks me up at the airport he best be planning to take me straight home so I can get on his computer. Smile. That is the first thing I want to do there even before looking at the lights of Las Vegas.
This will be the first time my kids and grandkids will see me since surgery. I can't wait to see their faces when they see that Big Grandma not that big anymore! Smile. Got some way to go yet, but I am alot smaller than what I was. And I not arriving in a wheelchair, I'm going to be strutting my stuff down the gangway!
So my cyber friends who I consider my family, I will be back online as soon as I can. I will miss you all so much. Take care and God bless you all.

2006-05-15T01:55:00.000-07:00

22 Weeks Post Op
Doing fine, feeling great, no complaints. I've decided that so what if I didn't lose any weight this week, at least I didn't gain any. Positive thinking right. I can see my collarbones now. Amazing. I can't believe I have collarbones. They were hidden so long. It's these subtle changes that give me assurance that I am doing things right. Those numbers on the scale tend to stress me out when they don't move.
Mentally I am also doing fine. I'm in a peaceful mode right now, which is nice. Hate it when I am bouncing off the wall with my self imposed dramas. I could be dubbed the "drama queen" at times. Get myself worked up to a tizzy, for something that the following week I will have a hard time remembering about.
Not sweating the small stuff is good advice. Takes so much energy to be mad about something. Got to save that anger energy for something worthwhile. Life just too short for dwelling on insignificant junk.
I love it when I'm in this peaceful mode. Things seem to work out more smoothly. Nothing is impossible to do and if I don't want to do anything it is okay, too.
I'm reading "Discover the Joy of Being the Person God Made You to Be" by Joyce Meyer. It is a very thought provoking book. Joyce Meyer does a series of books, they have helped me alot in finding peace in my life.
From her book, " Jesus came to bring restoration to our lives. One of the things He came to restore is a healthy balanced self-image".
I know that what we think of ourselves affects how we live our lives. For a long time, I didn't like my obese self. Maybe I smiled and everything outside looked good to the world, but inside I was crying. I was not happy. I did not like the body I was living in. I tolerated my big body, after all what other choice did I have if I wanted to be alive. What a limited life I had in my big body. Now when I look at my presurgery pictures, it is a shock to me to see how big I got, it is a wonder to me how I was able to function daily. It hurts to face the fact that I abused the body I had, I did not take care of it as I should have. It was a slow suicide, this killing of myself. It's the truth, I was killing myself slowly, feeding the diseases that ravished my body with unhealthy food and not exercising.
I know I need to let this all go, I am as I journal, this painful past of me. I have moved on but I feel it is good at times to reflect what was, then turn and face the rainbows of my life and keep walking forward towards my goal of having a healthy life.
Slowly as the pounds fall off and my body changes and my health gets better, I am learning to love my body again.
"Happiness and joy do not come from the outside. They come from within. They are a conscious decision, a deliberate choice, one that we make ourselves each day we live" J.M.

2006-05-08T20:26:00.000-07:00

I'm Under 270 pounds

I couldn't help myself. Weigh in is not till Friday, but told myself that I know I am under 270, I feel lighter, my clothes is so baggy, so I checked and I am!

Date of surgery: 349.7 pounds
Today 5/8/06 : 268 pounds
Bye Forever : 81.7 pounds

I was retaining water last Friday on my 21st week after WLS as I thought. This is so encouraging. Oh yeah!!!!!!!

2006-05-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Days
On Saturday I attended a craft fair with my sister and just had great fun. We set up our booth, then took turns cruising around the booths talking story and checking out the various crafts, watching the entertainment and just enjoying being around people. I really miss doing fairs, it has been four years since I have done a fair before the one I did two weeks ago. I miss the looking at things that people have made and making things myself.
The real bonus is that I get to see crafters I haven't seen for a long time and they have nothing but nice comments about the smaller sized me. Sometimes I just need confirmation from others that I am glowing with health and I am not the old big me.
I am still amazed at the energy I have to set up the booth, and then walk all over the place and then take things down and still have some energy left. Life is truly better now and I want it to stay this way.
I really was missing out on life. I too have looked at my before pictures and have a hard time believing that I was that big. I never saw myself as that big. I was just me. I had decensitized myself to what I looked like. I wonder how in the world did I live in that body. How I struggled each day is amazing to me. How could I have let myself become so huge. It is hard to accept that this is the person I was. This is the person the world saw.
I don't like the old body of me. I did not love the old body of me. I could not stand my huge body. I could not understand how my husband could accept the big me and touch me. I did not love me, so how in the world could he. My thoughts were so self destructive. No wonder I had such a hard time with me. How could I have taken care of others and I did not take care of me. I abused myself. I was so depressed. Life was such a chore to live. It is no wonder that I was falling apart physically and mentally and leaving this life. I made such poor choices for myself.
Well, now that is behind me and I need to let that part of my life go so that I can venture into this new chapter of my life with no old baggage. I look in the mirror and I like the new me. I love this new me, ripples and all.
So today I went through all my old clothing and in a huge pile is all the old me clothes I was having a hard time giving away, 5XL to 2XL. I can still look good in some of the 1XL clothes but soon they will be given away too. I have no problem finally letting go of the old me. I was hanging on to the old me. But no more.
One day at a time.
I am going through emotional healing, untying the knots that represent the different issues in my life. I realise that healing is a process and what I have been doing is trying to untie all the knots all at once, by myself. Healing takes time. What was I thinking. I will let God heal me at his pace, untying one knot at a time. I trusted him to bring me through the WL surgery. I will trust him to help me through the second chance of life he gave me.
Things will get better for me in the days to come. I will not fail. God is in control. I am no longer afraid.

2006-05-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

21 Weeks Post Op

Had no pounds to say goodbye to this week. I truly believe I am retaining water today. Haven't gained anything so that's a plus.
Emotionally I am doing better. Moved on in my mind, just doing what I got to do to take care of my butt bone. My sons have made so many jokes about it, that I am starting to find some humor in it, but it does hurt. It is fractured, will take about six weeks to see if any improvement if any and then we see from there if it will be a long range injury or not.
The support I received from LAWLS neighborhood has been so great. I am so blessed to have such a supportive loving group of friends. They helped me dry my tears and gave me hope that things will work out for the better, I just have to have faith.
I am guilty most of the times, thinking that I can handle things all alone, just forging ahead and placing on my plate numerous tasks, like super woman. Then I think I am in total control and I can do it all. Falling on my butt, crying these past few days, has forced me to realise that I can't do everything. First thing I did was ask God to help me with some of these tasks, I placed my burdens in his hands and told him I just can not do it all alone. Then decided what is important and what is not, prioritizing, cleaning my plate of what is not important, just stuff I put there, because.
I need a plan. A solid plan that I can follow. After reading Kim's more recent entry blog I agree that having a plan is very important. It would keep me focused. Instead of just walking around like a chicken without a head, I need a plan. So for the next couple days I will work on a plan.
I will not allow the old habits to creep back and keep me from reaching my goals. I will be a success in this life after WLS.

2006-05-03T01:54:00.000-07:00

Back Injury
I hurt my back on 4/18 and have been handling it and telling myself that all is well. Carrying on even if I was in pain. Well got up this morning and told myself I need to get an xray done cause I still hurting. Had the xray and the technician told me that I fractured my tailbone. I am feeling really stressed and depressed right now and just want to cry. I have been feeling so well and things have been going so good. I don't need to be hurt right now. I know I should stop thinking of the worst and things may not be as bad as I think it will be but I can't help myself. I talk to the doctor tomorrow and see what can be done so I can heal. I have to get better there is so much I need to do to get ready for this move. I need to be well so I can take care of my husband.
Tomorrow I am going to go walking in the pool. According to an article I found on the net I need to do some exercise. If I have to walk in the pool all day to help my back heal I walking in that pool till I shrivel to a prune. I did not have this surgery to get hurt and have my life limited in any way. I just want to scream, cry and cry and cry. I just can not take this right now.
I'll go do some crafts, I will not go on an eating binge it will just make things worst. Positive, I got to stay positive. I will not give in to these emotions of despair. Tomorrow is another day and it will be a good day.

2006-04-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

20 Weeks Post Op

Okay I messed up and ate 3 scoops of the richest ice cream I could get my hands on and thus paying the price by not dropping a pound this week. Whose fault is this? Mine. Mine. Mine. Wanted so badly to go below 270 but nevah so got to work hard this week to make up for the ice cream. So it's protein and sipping water and extra walking.
Date of Surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
Today 04/28/06 : 272 pounds
Goodbye forever : 77.7 pounds
Will work hard this week to go below 270.
Got to keep on track.

2006-04-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

Naughty Naughty I am kicking my own butt. Today I was naughty. Should listen to my own advice. Miss " Think She Got It All Under Control" ! I listened to the devil on my shoulder and I went to a specialty candy store to buy gifts for the realtor who helped us get our home in San Antonio. Well, they have this ice cream bar that I used to buy my favorite ice cream from. Well, went to the ice cream bar and bought my husband his favorite flavor and took it out to the car for him, saying okay I didn't get mine. Got to the car, gave him his and told myself I can't drive away till I get a taste of my favorite orange creamsicle w/ pineapple knowing damn well it is homemade with pure milk and lots of sugar. Worst yet they sell them prepackaged three huge scoops in a bowl. Told myself I would have a teaspoon of it every day till it's gone. Well one teaspoon later there was nothing in the bowl. And now three hours later even after sleeping cause of feeling yukky, I am still burping, feeling like I been runover and wishing I would just vomit. But I don't vomit, instead my tummy hurts and I just got to sit this through. I got a mean headache and feel just like #%&# There is absolutely no excuse for my behavior. Just plain dumb choice. Tomorrow I am walking extra cause I will kick myself if I gain any weight from this stupid decision!

2006-04-25T00:08:00.000-07:00

19 Weeks Post Op

Last Friday the 21st was my 19th week post op. Was just too busy to wiegh in. All in all, I had a very good week. Down 4 pounds.
It was great to take a break from packing and fixing the house. The craft fair was lots o fun. With planning I was able to stop myself from indulging at all the food booths. I was just so overwhelmed with the compliments that I had more of a motivation to stick to my weight loss goals.
I did go to another funeral yesterday for a 28 year old young man. Lately there's been quite a few funerals, don't know why I have been faced with all this sadness though at each one it has been a celebration of life. I find myself looking at how precious life is. I have been reminded that each day I have on this earth is special. God must have a reason. I just keep thinking that it could have been me. I am just so thankful I have this second chance at life.
I have been doing my protein shakes twice a day, taking my vitamins and sipping water as I should. Every morning I go walking and today I went the pool and walked in the pool. Just so happy that it is warm enough to go in. I marvel over the fact that walking is not a problem any more and I still get delighted and amazed when I put on my jogging shoes by myself. It is nice to be more independent and not having to have my husband take care of simple tasks for me.

2006-04-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Craft Fair

Have been working at a three day craft fair with my sister since Thursday. Have been having lots of fun, selling, checking out crafts. I used to be an active vendor but haven't done it almost 4 years due to being to ill. Was nice to see old craft friends. Loved the pleasant surprised looks on their face when they saw me and the compliments galore. Enjoyed sharing about WLS and how much it has turned my life around.

Life is a blast since surgery. Never thought I'ld be able to do a fair again. Looking at all the crafts I can't wait to unpack in Texas and get with it again. My husband is crazy if he thinks he can get crafting out of me. Just loved the interaction with people, the excitement of the fair. It's Merry Monarch week in Hilo. Merry Monarch is the biggest hula event in the State of Hawaii, it lasts an entire week. Hula groups from around the world come to Hilo to compete against each other. There are craft fairs all around town, people from all the islands fly in with their crafts, so there is lots to see and do. Well this super energy I have, I am able to walk all over the place and check out everything. I just love it.

Yes, there is tons of food booths everywhere. I bought some stuff to taste for old times sake and found that my taste buds have changed and I don't like them, handed it over to my sister after a nibble. I had packed my little cooler with little plastic bowls with my protein foods, my mandarin oranges so I've been doing good. All that walking checking out different vendors has kept me exercising.

Today is the last day of the fair so I'm up early getting ready. Today is our big parade so that should be fun. I am enjoying myself, socializing more than selling craft. Life is so muc easier to live now.

2006-04-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

This is a before pic of me 06/2004 at a class reunion. I was the biggest person in the class. Was not too happy about it. Also thought it would be last one I would ever attend.

2006-04-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

Here's me at 275 pounds. Easter Sunday 2006.

2006-04-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

Day After Easter
I made it through my sister's Easter Breakfast Buffet. Prior to going, I pulled out my little dishes and bowls. In one dish I put a serving of two ounces of shrimp, with diced tomatoes, green onions and diced salmon. In a bowl I put mandarin oranges and topped it with a heaping tablespoon of cottage cheese. Covered the dishes with saran wrap. Grabbed my baby spoon. I was determined not indulge in whatever she was serving. Took extra cottage cheese and some canned pineapple chunk just in case in another container.

On the way to her house I stopped at the bakery and bought a custard pie, a chocolate dobash cake and a lilikoi (passion fruit) cake. I'm usually the aunty who brings the deserts and couple dozens of sugar glazed donuts. I had no desire to eat any of this stuff. I was determined to watch them eat it for me. It may be crazy, but I enjoy watchng others eat what I no longer can or want to eat. ( I've stopped doing this to my husband cause he has gained 20 pounds since my surgery.)

Well, when they started frying the eggs, sausage and so on, I started getting nauseated by the smell of the grease. It's amazing I now can so keenly smell grease. That immediately turned me off from the buffet. Though when my sister sat next to me, I longingly looked at her plate and memories of eating the sausage got to me and I asked her for a nibble. Took a nibble, and instantly the taste of grease hit me and thoughts of being "big" hit me and what happened the last time I tired eating meat, I spit it out. Just not worth it. Went back to eating my mandarin oranges and cottage cheese.

Well, bringing my own meal eliminated anyone trying to get me to eat anything else. No one had to be my food cop. And I brought what I enjoy eating so I had no problems of feeling that I was missing out on the buffet. One thing I am lucky about is that my family is supportive and they just so happy that I am not so sickly any more.

I actually wore a dress. That surprised them all. I felt pretty in the dress, haven't had that feeling for a long long time. Bought it marked down to $6.99 at Ross's. My sisters had me twirl around so that they could check me out from all angles. Had compliments galore. I felt myself sitting up straighter and smiling more. I even let them take a pciture of me, which ususally I refuse to have done.

Kept telling myself, "this is the new me" . I felt good about myself. I can get used to this. Such a wonderful feeling.

2006-04-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

18 Weeks Post Op

The week has gone by so quickly. Tommorrow makes 18 weeks post op. Had a great week. If I feel hungry I have some cottage cheese and fruit, other than that it has been fish and steamed vegies. Drinking lots of water and getting in my protein drinks twice a day. Went walking twice this week around the neighborhood and in the mornings the rest of the days around Walmart due to the rain.

Had an "oh yea! " moment this week, as I took out my Nike jogging shoes (that I have had about 3 years and looks like I just bought them today). I have been walking in my slippers cause I was sure my shoes would not fit. Put the shoes on myself, socks and all. I had to call my husband and ask him to watch me put the second shoe on. I tied the shoelaces myself! Unbelievable ! I don't know when I last put on my own shoes. My husband always had to put on my socks and shoes. I couldn't reach my feet. I just could not believe it. What an awesome feeling. And now since I can put them on, I want to use them, thus I am doing more walking.

I can not explain the feelings of wonder I have just because I can put on my own shoes.

I met with my psychologist yesterday. I shared with her my feelings of happiness for having had WLS. I once talked to her about dying and how I felt being so obese and so very sick. How I was tired of living. Now I talk to her about life and all the things I am doing now that I could not do just 19 weeks ago and all the things I want to do. I talked about my feelings of inner peace and accepting that my life has changed and that I was willing to do what ever it takes to be this new healthier me.

I think my many years of being a social worker is also the reason I am doing great. I never thought that I would care for myself first before others. It has always been others before me. I was always everyone else's lifeboat. Thinking of me first was just not acceptable. I was killing myself, taking on everyone else's burdens, trying to save everyone. The stress was unbearable and it in turn played a big role in my poor health. I refused to listen to my doctors and one psychologist even told me that she would no longer see me as she could not stand by and watch me killing myself, they all said that my job was killing me, leave it. I refused to listen.

God works in mysterious ways. My husband was taking care of me as I stubbornly kept going to work. Then my husband got seriously injured and our roles completely reversed. Who was going to take care of me? The kids are on the mainland, I am alone. I had no choice but to force myself to take care of my husband and forget that I myself was of poor health. A whole year I was in complete denial about my health, I did not have time to dwell on me, until December 2004 and the paramedics could not find a pulse and I had to be rushed in an ambulance to the hospital. I asked God to please give me one more chance while I lay in that ambulance as they worked on me. I put myself in his hands.

I haven't been to work since that day. I missed all my clients. I worried about each an every one. My psychologist had to help me deal with these feelings. I felt like I had abandoned all of them and that I was a failure. In December 2004, I also put my name on the waiting list for WLS and I started to research the surgery. My goal was to have the surgery and return to work. But as the days went by and through therapy, I started to let go my wanting to go back to work, it was like my job had died and I finally was able to move on with my life. I began to accept that it was okay to think of myself first. What a "freeing" feeling! I can now look back, and say I made the right decision to leave my job. My job was killing me, it controlled me. I chose life and I don't regret it at all.

I had a year to prepare for WLS. My surgeon has his patients get counseling, provides info of the surgery and what life is like after, take numerous tests, even a psychiatrict test. I went on the internet, read everything I could find. Watched the surgery on the net numerous times so that I would know exactly what the surgeon was going to do to me. I had this surgery so that I could have my life back.

Only in the past few weeks have I found inner peace. It's like the door closed on my past obese sickly life and I have walked through another door and I found myself reborn. It is diificult to put in words how I feel except to say that my heart is bursting with joy. I think my girlfriend Keola's funeral was the catalyst that closed the door on my old life and pushed me through another. As I sat at the funeral and looked at her urn, I told myself that it could be me instead of her. This could be my funeral. I quietly thought of all my struggles as an obese person. I sat there and cried for Keola and I cried for me. I knew then that I had to say goodbye not only to Keola but also to the old obese me, life has to go on and in order for it to do so, then I have to do whatever it takes to have life.

God truly works in mysterious ways.

Date of surgery 12/02/05: 349.7 pounds
Today 04/13/06 : 276 pounds
Goodbye forever : 73.7 pounds

2006-04-10T19:16:00.000-07:00

17 weeks post op

It's 17 weeks and 2 days post op but was too busy on Friday/Sat to go to the airlines to weigh myself. I know I could use another scale but this one has to be precise so what ever the numbers, it is the real McCoy and anyway lately I have been enjoying the cheers I have been getting by the workers there, as my weight has been going down. Now I practically run to that scale smiling.

Drum roll...................
Date of surgery 12/02/05: 349.7 pounds
Today 04/10/06 : 279 pounds
Goodbye forever to : 70.7 pounds

Decided to say goodbye to the pounds. When I say "loss or lost" sound like something I got to go find and I sure as hell don't want to find those 70 pounds again. I broke the 280 mark and I am so happy, kind of want to jump up and down kind of happy. Life is so good now. Have not been as healthy as I am for years. I find myself always smiling now. I actually also find myself looking people in the eye instead of looking all over trying to avoid being noticed. And now I don't mind looking into a mirror, yep the skin is all there but I am actually looking in the mirror now. Hated mirrors. Now it's "yep" that's me, the shrinking big grandma! Can't wait to get on that plane. The last time I went I was pushed to the baggage area in a supersize wheelchair, the face of my oldest son just broke my heart as it registered shock and concern as he walked towards me. This time I will be strutting down the gangway in a cute outfit. Just can't wait to see the faces of my children and grandchildren as they greet their thinner healthier mama/grandma.
Got a few more weeks of packing and fixing my house here in Hawaii. My niece and her hubby came over last night. I laughed as their four children under the age of six wiggled and giggled all over the house. They will be staying here. The four kids just bubbled in glee when I showed them their rooms which my sis and I had painted. One is Barney purplish colored and the other the aqua blue of Little Mermaid. I just can't believe that my sis (who used to assist her handyman husband till he passed away 10 months ago) and I, hammered, tiled, fixed the plumbing and painted the walls and all. Saved alot of money doing the work ourselves. Without having had WLS I would have never accomplished what I have done with the house since getting out of the hospital. I can now fix things around the house, no problem. The greatest thing about it all is that my sister and I had a lot of quality time together. We talk about her hubby and missing him, the future and so on. She is 10 years younger than me. I have been encouraging her to go back to school, which she is come September. She has two sons, one is 18 and the other 11. We also talk about not letting herself go and becoming as big as I was, after all we share those heart and diabetic genes. She has been a great support, always encouraging me to do what I got to do to be healthy.
Since I got my head together, things have been great. I am more at peace with myself. I am so happy with my decision to have WLS. I am so happy with this new me. I love my body, loose skin and all, and in just these few weeks, I wake up each morning eager to start the routine of taking care of this body of mine. Told myself that this is the only body I have that God gave me to live in. Without this body I will have nowhere to live. The greatest gift I could give myself is to malama "take care" myself.

Read this: Everytime you choose good healthy foods, you are choosing life, which is God's gift to you.

2006-04-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

TALKING STORY WITH ROSE

Rose had her WLS surgery in December 2004. One year before me. Was so nice to see whatis left of the old Rose (smile) she looks absolutely gorgeous, slimmer, new hairdo, and a healthy glow. We sat and talked about people treating us like we did something wrong for having this surgery. Rose's female boss needs to be popped one as she has lately been Rose's food cop and her comments are not nice but very curt and sassy. Her boss makes all kinds of comments about what she looks like and actually said that anytime now Rose going blow up again and stuff like that. Well, I told Rose I also ran into her boss who sarcastically asked me "so you when get the surgery hah?, how many pounds you when lose and what you eating what you supposed to? easy heh for lose weight? You can eat all you like and no gain nothing. So you eat potato chips and stuff?" and on and on. I was so appalled cause she was getting louder and louder and people was starting to stop and listen. Now the Boss is obese herself, so I like slap this witch, right, but I didn't though I really wanted to. Told her I was doing fine and was walking away from her as she was bombarding me with her remarks. Finally said look, I got to go okay, have a good day.

Rose and I talked about her boss. We have concluded that she is jealous and apparently very unhappy with her own life. So why take it out on us? Who knows. I feel sorry for Rose who has to deal with her everyday andbe polite cause she is her boss. I would not be able to bear it. I'ld be in jail today.

2006-04-03T23:50:00.000-07:00

MAY BE 75 or MORE?

My 75 year old dad goes to Walmart McDonalds to have his cup of coffee before walking 3-5 miles every morning at 7am. I have been meeting him there some mornings just to talk story since WLS. Each time he would see me walking towards him, he would make some comment about how I was losing weight. From my thinner face, to my shoulders and legs. This morning I went to meet him dressed in a pretty lavender/purplish layered long hippy type skirt and a sleeveless pullover blouse to match, wearing large dangling earrings and with my blingy purse on my shoulder.

Dad gave me the biggest smile and said, "You look real good. Boy, you have lost a lot of weight. My skinny daughter is back!

Now I still got about 100 pounds to go but from 5xxxL blouses I am now wearing 30/32 W and they are quite loose on me so I should go a size smaller and my skirt is a women's XL which in no way I would have been able to get down past my neck or up my thighs just 4 months ago.

Dad's big smile and sparkling eyes surely made me feel good. Dad is a healthy as can be, after all he walks every day rain or shine, goes bowling, walks his dog and watches what he eats. He was so concerned about my poor health prior to surgery. Just two years ago my mom passed away with complications from diabetes: congestive heart failure, high blood pressure, obesity, she had several strokes. He was very worried that I would not live long and leave this world too. He was very supportive of me when I made the decision to have this surgery though he was very worried. He has been one of my biggest cheerleaders since surgery.

Gave dad the biggest kiss, when we were done talking story, he headed off to do his walking, I grabbed a cart for my purse to ride on and zipped around Walmart with the biggest smile on my face.

I never thought I'd live to age 50, then 55, now I saying wow I get chance to live till 75 and beyond, look at dad, look at how healthy he is. I can do this. I can make it happen.

2006-04-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

April Fools Day

I remember back then when we used to play tricks on each other on this silly day. One thing I am glad about it is that no one can say " April Fool" to me about my being healthier and trimmer. I can truly say "I have Arrived", for a time there I was stuck in limbo. The mind can really mess you up if you don't take charge of it.

On Friday I weighed myself:

Date of surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
03/31/06 : 281 pounds
loss : 68.7 pounds

I have lost 4 pounds this week, thanks to Holly's tip about proteins, proteins, proteins, and sipping lots of water and taking a walk every day this past week.

Also got my lab work back and my glucose A1C is 7.1, yep 7.1 my doctor can not get over how in just a few months my Type 2 diabetes has just about disappeared. From six insulin shots a day pre surgery I am now taking one low dosage shot at night, which will soon end. My cholestrol numbers is great. My blood pressure is normal as can be. Not suffering from congestive heart failure any more. Sleeping like a baby, no CSAP machine and that awful mask any more. I have not been this healthy for years.

I feel so good, inside and out.

Okay weekend, here I come.................

2006-03-31T22:55:00.000-08:00

16 Weeks Post OP

It has been a roller coaster ride since the day of my WLS. Right now I'm on the top highest loop of the roller coaster just bursting with inner joy and happiness. I have been in the dumps, wanting to get off the ride and just hide in the closet because I was having a hard time accepting that this is the new me and that I finally have control over my health and weight. The LAWL Neighborhood sharing and all of you who have interacted with me on my blog, has helped to remove the self imposed obstacles that were holding me back from facing and accepting the new me. I needed to interact big time with positive people who have been through this surgery. I needed to hear over and over that my feelings were okay and that there are others who share the same feelings and doubts that I have.

This journey after WLS can be difficult and trying at times. I know that I can not walk it alone. I need continued support and nurturing, and encouragement and I need a swift kick when I fall off the ride and need more than anything else to climb back on. No one can understand what I am going through better than someone who has been through WLS. I needed so much to hear that "my skin is glowing", acknowledgement that I lost weight and that I am looking healthier. I needed someone to say this is not a dream, that this is for real, and that this time around I will succeed. I have come to the realization that I can win the battle I have been fighting with the grim reaper and that more sand has been poured into my hourglass.

I had to stop packing and running all over the place, and take a moment to reflect on the positive changes in my life. I had to put me first, and not feel guilty for doing so. Discovering the new me has been eye opener. I am like the caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly. I am like the snake shedding her old skin and coming into the new. I am like a newly hatched chick learning to spread it's wings or the newborn pony trying to walk on wobbly legs. I am in a new chapter in the book of my life. I have chosen to take control of how this chapter will be written with God guiding me and with all of you earthly angels holding my hand and cheering me along the way. To come to this realization, is hard to put into words, all I can say is that I have found inner peace. I have sat at death's door for too many years. It is time for my spirit to soar, as I have been given another chance to live.

No longer will I sit under the stormy clouds conjured up in my mind. Instead I choose to reach for the sparkling beautifully hued rainbows and dare to hope and dream of better tomorrows.

Hawaiian Parable: Each child born has at birth, a Bowl of Perfect Light. If he tends his light it will grow in strength and he can do all things, swim with the shark, fly with the birds, knows and understands all things. If, however, he becomes envious or jealous, he drops a stone into his Bowl of Light and some of the Light goes out. If he continues to put stones in the Bowl of Light, the Light will go out and he will become a stone. A stone does not grow, nor does it move. If at anytime he tires of being a stone, all he has to do is turn the bowl upside down and the stones will fall away and the Light will grow once more.

I have turned over my bowl, my Light is growing once more.

2006-03-25T18:02:00.000-08:00

Sharing Info on WLS
Went to the funeral of my girlfriend Keola. 45 years old. Teacher, writer, active in protecting and restoring our lands, culture and traditional life style. The pics I posted of the black sand beach of Punalu'u is where she was born and lived. Her house is literally on the beach, turtles lay their eggs in the sand at her doorstep. She died of a massive heart attack, she had complications of diabetes. She was about 400 pounds. I last saw and spoke to her about 6 months ago.
Could she have been saved if she had had WLS? I don'tknow.
At the funeral sat her brother Raymond, 50 years old. Weighing 411 pounds. He got a pass from the hospital to come to his sister's funeral. He looked horrible, all bloated, could barely walk clinging to a cane and breathing ever so hard. He took one look at me and asked me to sit with him and then proceeded to ask me what I did to lose weight. Why was my skin glowing and why did I look so healthy. I told him that I had WLS. He told me that his doctor suggested he did also but he was very afraid. I pulled out a piece of paper from my purse and drew a stomach and then what the surgeon did to my stomach. I then held his hand and talked and talked about my journey since surgery. He and his wife asked many questions. When we were done talking, Raymond said that on Monday he will talk to his doctor and contact my surgeon.
It may have not been destiny for me to have spoken to Keola, but I was there for Raymond.

I was also approached by my girlfriend Mililani who is a lawyer, a Hawaiian activist, works with the United Nations and various native Hawaiian entities. I am also a Hawaiian activist fighting for native rights. Anyway diabetes and obesity is the number one killer of native Hawaiians. I have been asked to speak at a Hawaiian Health Conference about my surgery and how it has changed my life for the better.

So from a sad funeral I am about to rejoin the human race and become active again in native Hawaiian issues especially health issues. I had to stop a few years ago because of my poor health. Now how am I going to do this from Texas? No problem, I am now closer to Washington DC and I also can do things with the Native American Indians.

Depressed? Not any more. I think I have found my purpose in the journey of my life after weight loss surgery.

Weight on date of surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
Weight 03/24/06 : 285 pounds
Loss : 64.7 pounds

2006-03-25T00:43:00.000-08:00

15 Weeks Can't believe I've come this far, still new though, still experimenting and finding my way through this journey. I am far from being an expert in this WLS life. Each day is filled with wonder as I feel so much healthier and I have so much energy to do things I haven't done for so long. It is nice to just be able to wash dishes without my back hurting or my knees killing me as I stand at the sink. There is so many little things I can do now that was so hard for me to do just 4 months ago. It's like having been in a coma for a period of time and awakening and discovering new wonderous things. Being big I gave up so much of myself and took things in stride and excepted that this is the way it is and has to be. Now I am rediscovering myself and not limiting myself because I am to big or too heavy and it is exciting as I move forward in this new phase of my life. No time to be depressed, no time to look for pity or poor Melissa, I hear you all loud and clear. I need to get a grip and move on forward. So get back on track, right , and reach for the stars and beyond.

2006-03-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

Weigh in 14 weeks

Have been afraid to weigh myself as I have been grazing. Committed myself to stop so I can get me some new clothes. Weighed myself at Hawaiian Airlines cargo and was pleasantly surprised. Just imagine how much better it would be if I stopped grazing!

Surgery date 12/04/05 : 349.7 pounds
Today 03/13/06 : 286 pounds

Total weight loss : 63.7 pounds

Okay now I need to really commit myself to staying on track. I just love the new look of LWLS site. The Neighborhood forum is exciting, can't wait till we really get into exchanging thoughts. I can't do this journey alone and I need help to overcome what ever obstacles I come across. One thing for sure I do not regret having had WL surgery.

2006-03-12T03:51:00.000-08:00

Thoughts

I am now 14 weeks post op. Yesterday a coworker who I have not seen for about a year stopped me in the supermarket saying, "Meliss, is that you? My goodness you really look different, I almost didn't recognize you!" She hasn't been the only one who has looked at me, up and down, with mouth wide open in shock. I can relate after all I look in the mirror and wonder, "Is that me?", the other thing I recently found myself doing is staring at my hands on the steering wheel while driving and asking myself, "are these skinny hands mine?". I am trying to get a grip with not being obesely fat any more, I still fat and got a way to go, but it's not the same. I have at least 100 pounds more to lose and I feeling so unreal already. Getting used to the changes to my body is really mindbogging. You know it's that old dieting way of thinking "this not going last long and I going gain it all back". It feels so unreal knowing that I not going be obese any more. Got to peek in the mirror and touch my face often to make sure that this is me. That I not going wake up from a dream and that this new me, is really me. Got to get used to the new me, cause this is for real.

2006-03-04T23:24:00.000-08:00

Can't Believe It's March

Time sure passes by quickly. Thirteen weeks post op and thinking, life sure is better now. I have all this energy to do things I just could not do. Not being tired all the time is really a plus. Been focusing on the positives, it sure helps.
1) I can park in any stall and get out of the car without worrying if I going fit getting out and not scratching
the car parked next to me
2) I can sit in a plastic chair and almost not worry about it crumbling under me
3) It seems like I have a new wardrobe but I am really wearing clothes that hasn't fit me for a long time
4) I can walk around the neigborhood and not worry about being too tired to walk back home, used to call husband to come pick me up about two blocks away
5) I am eating healthier foods, grocery bill not as bad as before
6) My blood sugar A1C is 7.4, used to be in the 11-13 range just thirteen weeks ago
7) Blood pressure normal range, I was taking 3 pills which did nothing to improve it
8) Cholestral normal range, was taking pill for this also and it did nothing to improve it
9) Sleeping good at night
10) Primary care doctor said I am as healthy as can be and that if I did not have WLS, he had predicted that I had about 5 more years to live if I didn't have a stroke before then.

Soooooooooooooooo, smile right? Right. One day at a time. Thank God for LWLS and all of you WLS cheerleaders out there.

2006-02-26T20:06:00.000-08:00

Picture of me at 382 pounds, my highest weight.
One year ago. I am now 289 pounds. Compare to picture posted below.

2006-02-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

Another view of Shipman Beach. This is where I played as a little girl.
This is my "wahi pana". Place close to my heart, where
I can go to and set aside my troubles and soak up the mana
"power" of the place and heal.

2006-02-26T19:15:00.000-08:00

Pic of Shipman Beach, Olaa, Hawaii.

2006-02-26T19:10:00.000-08:00

Here I am at 289 pounds. Loss of 60.7 pounds. Olaa, Shipman Beach.

2006-02-26T18:02:00.000-08:00

Aloha Everyone

I thank you all for all the kind notes and emails, the kicks in the butts, to get my act together. So many things are overwhelming me at this time but I know that I can make it through all this. I am not alone. I have all of you at my side. Sandi thank you for reminding me that you are holding my hand and won't let go while we are on this journey of our life, you are precious. Kim, you are a gem, you always have given me good advice. Holly, supermom, superwife, superwoman, I admire your courage and fighting attitude, nothing seems to keep you down. Jenn, you are so sweet and even with your troubles, you find time to let me know you care. CeeCee, I admire your spunk and energy, your fighting spirit. LWLS would surely be a lonely journey without all of you.

Kaye, I just don't know what I'ld do without your having put together LWLS, because of your insight and hard work, I have the privilege of meeting such strong courageous caring women. I feel the hugs you send my way. I reread your website over and over, recipes too. I just can not get enough of it. When I feel out of sorts, I click on LWLS and read and then click on and read everyone's blog, and often when done, I feel like I can handle anything. One day at a time.

I read that after WLS, depression can kick in. Well, it did big time. Who knows why? I losing weight, my health is better. I should be honky dory. But, I'm not. Things are just overwhelming.
1) My psychologist is 77 years old, known her professionally and then as my therapist for about 15 years. She is aging and it hurts me to watch her fade away. I am having a hard time accepting that she will be giving up her practice soon.
2)Kaye I can not accept your challenge at this time. I haven't had a real kitchen since a week after surgery.
I read the recipes, want to try everything, but got to wait. Why?
3)I have been packing and renovating my house. We are moving to San Antonio, Texas in April. I am excited about the moving, but the process has been time consuming and overwhelming. The energy I got from the surgery has been a blessing as I can do a lot of packing and stuff that I would never have been able to do presurgery. But, I am so exhausted and have no time to really sit or do things for myself.
4)I didn't tell my surgeon that I was moving yet. I worry about who is going to do my followups as you all know usually the surgeon who did the surgery is the best person to do it. So I worry about what I going do.
Yep, I should have told him presurgery but he then wouldn't have done it and he is the best in the islands.
5)Then there is all the WLS stuff that one needs to accept as a good changes that I need to make so I can have a thinner healthier life.

I know I can not do this alone. I need LWLS, and I need each and everyone of you. Now I ask myself how the hell can you help me if I hide, not too bright yeah, so here I am. I need to face my fears. But, I also need to celebrate life.

Yesterday went to the beach with my sisters and had a nice day. Told my husband the house can wait, I need a day of just relaxing and not worrying about anything. It was just wonderful. It is a private beach so we had it practically to ourselves. I spent the early years of my life at this beach with my grandparents, simple Hawaiian way. Food from the ocean and whatever grew in their yard. No cares, just played among the waves all day long. A getaway from the world of today. A place I can go to and remember how it was in Hawaii before all this progress. I was able to cleanse my soul and think about what I want for me in the future.

The sand felt good between my toes, the water was cool and refreshing. Funny though the waves was able to toss me around not like when I was heavier. I just let the water caress my body and cleanse my soul. Thought about the little girl who had no cares in the world. Thought about the years that went by and how she was always sick and worrying about when the heart attack would come. Then thought about why I did the WLS and how lucky I am to have this chance to live a healthier and longer life.

Aloha no.

2006-02-20T04:35:00.000-08:00

PEEK A BOO

I see you, but you haven't seen me for awhile. I have been hiding. Who wants to hear about being depressed and out of sorts? You have enough of your own problems to deal with, let alone hearing about mine. I guess I'm going through the "why the hell I did this to myself phase" and having a battle convincing myself that I can do this. Well, it's kind of nuts cause I have to do this, I have no choice but to get with the program. I can't undo WLS.

11 Weeks Post Op

Date of surgery 12/2/06 : 349.7 pounds
02/18/06 : 293 pounds
LOSS : 56.7 pounds

One would think I'ld be happy but I am not. I know I could have done better. I feel that I am letting myself down when I don't throw up when I munch on a potato chip. Yeah, a potato chip that you can not have only one. I feel deprived cause I can just about eat anything without throwing up. Call me nuts but I want to throw up so I have that to stop me from overeating or eating something I shouldn't. That's what I was told would happen, but it didn't, not yet. So I am scared that I will eat myself back to fatness. The only thing I haven't popped in my mouth is chocolate, that to me would be the ultimate failure.

So I been grazing. What the hell is wrong with me? I hate being obese. But I can't seem to stop chewing on something. I am having a hard time refocusing. Most of the time I not even hungry, chewing is just something to do. I am like a cow mindlessly chewing on it's cud. This is depressing as hell.

I haven't been exercising either. The pool water is 68 degrees. Too cold to swim in. There's snow on the mountain and very windy. I'm too busy to literally exercise. I have lots of excuses, who wants to hear them.
Same excuses pre-surgery.

I had my post op appointment with my surgeon on February 23rd, I canceled it. Yep, don't want to see him.
Not yet. Made another apppointment for March 16th. Hopefully I'll feel more like being in the world by then.

Things I finding hard to cope with right now:
People who haven't had WLS advice or comments on what I should or shouldn't be doing. What the hell do they know?
People asking me how much weight I loss.
It's easier to stay home and hide then having to explain what happening to me.
Having hard time coping with the thinner me. It's like who the hell are you? Where's the other Melissa?
Very confused.
Being able to eat something today and next week I can't even stand looking at it.
Saggy baggy skin.
Accepting that I had WLS and this is now my new way of living.
Believing that I am losing weight and I can really keep it off. I keep thinking I going wake up and be 382 pounds like I was December 2004, my highest weight. My mind keeps telling me this is just temporary.

Right now my psychologist is workng hard for her money. I don't regret having WLS. I just overwhelmed by the changes that have happened in just 11 weeks and scared of what is ahead. I am always touching my thinner face and asking myself "Is this me?". That fat person inside is feeling lost and don't want to go away.
She is scared of what lies ahead. The "fat me" is dying, fading away and I having hard time letting go.

Okay, here I am. Climbing back on board, ready to pick my pitiful butt off the ground.

2006-01-29T06:25:00.000-08:00

8 Weeks Post Op

Time passing by okay. Still have my fat clothes. Issues over here. Next step is to put those 5xl clothes on as suggested and to stand in front of a mirror and look at what I look like in them. Holly's husband's comment, to her when she was having giving clothes away issues: "Are you keeping them for when you can wear them again" or something like that, makes me think real hard too. Will try again this week to part with them.

Date of surgery: 349.7 pounds
Weigh In 1/28/06: 300 pounds
Minus : 49.7 pounds

More people are noticing that I am losing weight. The comments are increasing especially about my thinning
face. I love it. I haven't bought any new clothes, I just go through my clothes and find something I haven't worn for years. No joke years, and some of that stuff is fashionable now thanks to the babyboomers. All I have to add is my big dangling earrrings and I am in fashion. I do ask my husband if I look like a fat person stuffed in tight clothes before leaving the house, I definitely do not want that look. I have absolutely no butt so my jeans are very very baggy in that area. I did buy a new bra, using Oprah's suggestions and the girls are now where they supposed to be.

Eating is okay. I have found several ways of eating chicken that are tolerable and I look forward to eating it. I cut back on eating so much fish as I worry about absorbing too much mercury, now just two times a week. I can eat lean pork if it's moist and not hard. Cooked vegies are fine. Fruit without the skin I can tolerate, I haven't tried an orange yet, been afraid to since my friend who had WLS dumped on it, something about the white stringy thing. When I'm hungry between meals, I have a boiled egg or fruit.

Yesterday went to a Chinese Restaurant with my cousin and her adult kids. Eat all you like buffet that I used love. Used to make 3 to 4 trips through the buffet line and then go home and nap. Well, I was overwhelmed by their plates. Kept telling myself, I couldn't believe that I used to eat like them. Looked around the restaurant and saw fat people eating and eating and eating. My goodness that used to be me. I ordered from the menu, shrimp eggplant in black bean sauce, had them hold the rice. Took four pieces of pineapple from my cousin's plate and that was my lunch. I got left over shrimp eggplant in my frigerator, enough for two more meals. The owner kept looking at me, smiling. Must have been thinking, " I save money, she not eating me out of house and hold today."

You know when Hawaiians go to a buffet to eat, they eat. My neices and nephews wiped out the buffet and then waited for the buffet to be refilled several times. My niece when done had five empty plates stacked in front of her and a mountain of shrimp shells on a sixth plate. Their plan after eating was to go home sleep.

All in all it was an eye opening experience and an opportune time to reflect on my past eating habits. I was sort of sitting there in amazement as I watched the food on my relatives plates being literally devoured. They kept asking me, "that's all you going eat?" but did not push me to eat anything more. I am so happy that I don't eat like that anymore. Was hard to hold a steady conversation while people are stuffing their faces so I did most of the talking and they just nodded and remarked here and there. I tried my best not to picture pigs eating at a trough cause that's how I used to eat, like there is no tomorrow, like it is my last meal on earth,
likeI got to store for the days of famine.

I am no longer a buffet junky. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw! I know all the best places to eat. I know who serves generously and for good price. Besides McDonalds we have drivein's that serve generous plate lunches with two scoops rice and salad as part of the meal. No wonder so many overweight people in Hawaii. Hawaii McDonald's serve breakfast plate lunches : two scrambled eggs, big scoop rice with spam or bacon or sausage for about $4. You know those Hawaiian posters you see with those skinny hula girls, well I do not know where they found those skinny hula girls, they either pre-puberty or anorexic cause the ones not in the posters all got nice curvy hips and supple bodies.

Now when I go out to eat, my husband orders quickly and me I sit pouring over the menu, looking, looking and looking and thinking and thinking, and can not decide what is the healthiest for me to eat. Usually I end up with a chicken or shrimp dish that I end up taking home after a few bites. I love it. No way am I going to be fat again. What amazes me is that I am not bothered by all the food around me and I literally have no cravings for them. Well, the surgery was not a piece of cake and I sure as hell did not go through all that for nothing. And of course I like being so much healthier and thinner.

2006-01-21T08:41:00.000-08:00

CLOTHES ISSUES

Main topic with my psychologist yesterday was my having a hard time giving away my big clothes. Prior to surgery I packed my old clothes in crates ranging from 5XL to clothes from high school. Told myself that as I lose weight I will give my clothes away. Yeah, right.

Well, I defintely don't fit the 5XL clothes anymore. So I pulled them out, looked at them, thought about who I giving them to and then repacked them and put them away. Yup, I still have them.

I have issues about giving them away.

My psychologist said I am having a hard time letting go of my old obese self. It's like death she said. I have to go through the process of letting go that part of my life, accept it is gone and move on. Okay, so how do I get rid of these big clothes? Give them away she said and I will go through all the feelings of letting go and I will be fine.

Okay, today I will try try try to give away my clothes without having too much trauma.

2006-01-20T19:18:00.000-08:00

7 WEEKS POST OP

Unbelievable, today is 7 weeks post op. I feel so good. I feel so healthy. Weighed myself at the air cargo again, heh this scale is checked all the time certified so I get the real scoops on how much I weigh.

Day of surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds
Today 01/20/06 : 303 pounds
Total Loss : 47.7 pounds

Doing really good with vitamins/minerals and getting in at least 50 grams of protein with two shakes a day.
More protein from egg, chicken or fish daily. Still forget sometimes to sip, but since almost drowning myself by gulping down ice water I am sipping better.

Per my dietician I can start Soft Diet with Starch today:

1 oz. tender well cooked meats, tofu or cooked fish plus
1 oz. fruit canned in lite syrup or soft fleshed fruit w/out skin or l oz. soft vegetable cooked or canned plus
1 oz. starch examples: cooked potato, oatmeal, cream of wheat, cooked noodles, rice, 2 crackers,1/4 to 1/2
slice toast
Things are looking up.....................food wise. Though I kind of okay with what I eating already. I have a hard time swallowing beef as I picture it fermenting in my tummy, I have tried but I end up chewing it and then spitting it out. I have resorted to watering down my crystal lite tea and diet cranberry and low cal V8 splashes, cause now things just taste too sweet. I kind of scared to add starches into my diet, cause what if taste too good and can not stop. Maybe if I leave it to the last ounce, when I am already full from the other 2 oz. of stuff I can eat.

Handicap Toilet
I haven't gone anywhere yet where I needed to use a public toilet so this will definetly be an experience for me. I hated the regular sized toilet stalls which sometimes I was forced to use cause I couldn't hold it another second. I always had to practically climb on the toilet, manuever my stomach, just to close the toilet door. Then sometimes the toilet roll would be right against my hip so it was a task to get to it. Then of course I had to stand up to take care of business when done. Then it was backing up practically climbing on the toilet to get out of the stall. After hearing from some of you that I probably can use a regular stall now, that will be my mission on my next visit to the mall, check out the toilets. Geeeeeeeeeeeee. Maybe I should bring a witness to this event!

Life is defintely not boring after WLS. Smile. Heh, I find pleasure in being able to do such simple tasks now days.

2006-01-19T19:48:00.000-08:00

FESSING UP

Heh I got to fess up. I also broke a toilet seat couple months ago. I also had my butt pinched. My husband asked me what happend to the new toilet seat he had just installed. I told him " I don't know, cheap."

What a blessing to know that I am not the only who has broken a toilet seat. Thanks for all the sharing. Now we can laugh about it, but before it was one of those "I could just die" moments. Yes, it is nice to not have to worry about where I park my butt now.

2006-01-18T14:18:00.000-08:00

Normal

So happy that I got quite a few comments on my last blog. Hearing comments of how even six years after surgery one's taste buds still evolve, is good to hear. Thought I was losing it, with these taste buds going wacky. I have now learned to buy one or two of something and wait to see if I can tolerate it a third time. I'm one of those that buy in bulk, well that doesn't work anymore or I'll end up with the cabinets or refrigerator full of stuff I can't stand to look at, let alone eat. I have been trying to explain to my husband that this is normal and have shared with him the comments posted on my blog.

You have all helped me from being certified "paranoid", "crazy" or "losing it" by my husband.

As for the loose skin, I not complaining about it, yet, just noting that they are defintely there. I may need to buy shares of Gold Bond powder. I rather have this skin, then the fat that made me so deathly ill. I had no boobs prior to getting fat, so I have returned to my prefat boob stage. I graduated from high school wearing training bras. So I should not be having issues about this. Right? Wrong. Now that I have had the opportunity to know what it is to have boobs, I think I going put some back later on down the line.

Heh, a miracle happened last week. I can actually sit on the toilet and wipe myself. You know not have to stand up and do like one Chinese acrobat to take care of business. There was times I almost pulled my arm out of socket. No act like you haven't been there, alright. Smile. Heh, I can get used to this "new/old" skill.

And Kim, I can wash under my feet now, not the step step on the washcloth deal. I can even shave my legs without having to take one breathing break. Quality of life, improving here!

2006-01-15T22:43:00.000-08:00

Taste Buds

I am finding that some foods I used to like right after WLS I no longer like. My taste buds or something must be changing. I am finding that I need to water down the Light Cranberry Juice I mix the Isopure in as it is too sweet tasting now and even the Crystal Lite tea. I used to mash up light mayo with my boiled egg and yesterday I couldn't stand it and had the egg just with pepper on it. The suger free popsicles are starting to leave an aftertaste and I don't get excited about eating them any more. What's happening?

I also today with great thirst chugalugged gulps of ice water to my horror without thinking. Weird feelings, hiccups and tons of burps later, I finally calmed down. How in the world did I forget to sip! You can't do nothing but wait to see what going happen. Thank goodness no vomiting but one hell of a scare.

Tommorrow I hope to start going back to the pool. Tried on my bathing suit that I used to stuff myself in and when it ripped I sewed and patched up several times, real pitiful looking. Black, so I probably resembled Shamu the whale in it. Well, it got tossed in the rubbish can, as I also tried on a new suit I had bought that was a little too snug before and now fits. Woooooooooopeeeeee!

Yesterday my brother called me, he's retired and babysits his grandkids. Anyway he tells me that he has been watching Dr. Phil, Oprah and some other show on people who lost lots of weight. He then talks about all the loose skin people get when they lose a lot of weight. He then asks me how my skin doing. Only a brother, right? Concern? Or is he poking fun? Should I kick his ass? Told him not to worry about my loose skin, I will take appropriate action as needed. Smile. After that I kept thinking of that poor lady on Oprah who lost so much weight her boobs went down to her waist and she literally rolled it up and put it in her bra. I won't have that problem. I have just no boobs just two small shrunken pouches, no more than a handful each, sigh. Oh well, I could have been rolling it up from my knees and appear on Oprah for the world to see. I could be making royalties from writing a book about it. Oh well, my chances of winning the lottery aren't so good either. With the fat, went my boobs.

2006-01-13T22:26:00.000-08:00

Six Weeks Post Op

Can't believe I am six weeks post op. I don't know how to explain this unreal feeling I have about my weight loss. Is it for real? How long will it be till I gain it all back? Should I give my big clothes away yet or should I wait in case something goes wrong? Am I really going to lose more weight? Just don't know how to explain this sureal feelings I still have. Like I'm going to wake up from this dream and I'll be my fat self again.

My friend Darcy is four years post op. She's an example of what a person who had WLS shouldn't do. Because of her I was so afraid to have this surgery. Went to visit her today and her husband told me that she is in the emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains. Then he went on to tell me how all she eats is potato chips and candy and refuses to listen. She doesn't take her vitamins or protein shakes and she doesn't make sure she gets enough protein from food. She lives on junk food. Since her surgery, Darcy has been in and out of the hospital, all due to her refusing to listen to what she needs to do. She has had to be fed by IV so many times. She has been given vitamin shots. She has been given tons of pain pills which she is addicted to, thus the trips to the emergency room for more. Well, lately they have been refusing to give her the pain pills until she sees a psychiatrist and he states the pain is real and not psychological. Today same deal. Darcy should have never had this surgery in the first place. She never did any research on it. She did not have a psych eval before doing it. And post op she did not seek any kind of support. All Darcy wanted was to be thin again, and she didn't care how she was going to do it. She makes herself vomit at times cause she's afraid she will get fat again. Well, I tried helping her through the years, doing research on the internet, visiting her and trying to get her to do the things she needed to, but to no avail. I really don't know how she is still alive. I don't know why she isn't committed in a psych ward for awhile. That is sad and awful to say, but so true. Well, I'm hoping now that I have had WLS maybe she will listen to me and we can do this together. Why am I writing all this? I'm just ventilating, Darcy literally scares the hell out of me.

Enough about Darcy. Talking about her can be depressing, but you know it's good sometimes to look at what can happen if you don't follow the steps one needs to take to be healthy afterWLS.

I'm doing okay. Getting good at sipping. Got the protein drink down pat, one scoop Isopure in Diet Cranberry juice in the morning and another one in the evening. 50 grams total. Then I eat to get the rest of the protein I need from my three meals. Still have to get more water in though. Sip,sip,sip all day long.

I now weigh 307 pounds. Thus have lost 42.7 pounds since surgery.

Must be doing something right, though I was hoping to be under 300 pounds. Need to get more exercise in though. I running around doing all kinds of errands for everyone. I need to regroup and put myself first again. Will try real hard this week to get more exercise in.

2006-01-13T02:51:00.000-08:00

Spent my birthday walking on the black sand beach
at Punaluu. A very beautiful day. When heavy it's a chore walking in sand, you tend to sink and each step is a struggle. Well, no problem today, in fact I walked from one end to the other and didn't huff and puff as
usual.

My husband and I were lucky today as there were three turtles sunbathing on the sand.

2006-01-06T23:04:00.000-08:00

Five Weeks Post Op

It is just so hard to believe that I am 5 weeks post op. The days have just been passing by so quickly. Each day I have been getting stronger and seem to have more energy. My stitches have healed well. I'll wait one more week before going into the pool. I still have a nasty cough but it is getting better.

I'm doing better with my protein intake . Need at least 45-60 grams of protein a day. Start the day with taking B12, Calcium Caltrate and multivitamin. Then either Diet V8 Splash Tropical Blend or Diet Oceanspray Cranberry Juice with Zero Carb Isopure powder mixed in. Gives me 50 grams of protein. Now all I got to do is eat minimum 1 0z. more of protein with each of my three meals for the rest of the day. Took me four weeks to figure out how I could get the max protein down my throat and found that it was best to do it in the morning before the day ran away from me.

Sipping, I'm getting better at it. Sip down that morning protein drink, then it's sipping water or decafe tea for the rest of the day. Sipping from a pretty glass now, out went the cheapy plastic blah cups.

I don't count carbs, though I watch what I eat, I count protein and make sure I get my quota of protein in so that I heal, become healthier, and still lose weight. I stay away from carbs such as potatoes, rice, breads. I eat chicken and turkey pot pies but don't eat the crust for example. For fiber, I eat fruit, sometimes spinach, sometimes I drink 8 oz. prune juice.

My diabetes has improved, from 5-6 insulin shots a day, I am down to one 70 units of Lantus at night. My blood pressure numbers which were in the severe hypertension range have improved, the numbers have been in the normal and a few times in the mild hypertension range. Sleep apnea gone, I am sleeping better than I have in years.

I still twinge at times when I toss in bed. Still got to turn side to side slowly. If I am overly tired and missed a nap my tummy is tender and seems to weigh a ton, that's when my back aches. So naps are still a must.

I am walking each day about 30-45 minutes, be it outside or at the mall. One more week then it'll be laps in the pool. I have lots of energy when I wake up in the morn so after the protein drink, I try to take a walk or right after breakfast when I take my husband to the pool. It's so nice to have energy to do things.

Living life is not such a chore any more. I used to struggle to get out of bed, struggle to walk, struggle to breath, had so many limitations, so many obstacles got in my way of living. Five weeks and here's a new me.
Just like some of you other WLS post ops I am starting to love myself again.

Melissa

2006-01-03T22:39:00.000-08:00

Feeling Better

Still coughing but feeling better. Tried to go walking but could do just a short walk before I started wheezing and coughing again. It's the vog and my allergies. Vog? Volcanic smoke. The volcano on our island has been erupting continuously for quite a few years and when there are no tradewinds the gases and smoke from the volcano lingers over the island. Best to stay indoors with the air conditioner going full blast.

Weighed Myself

Pre surgery : 349.7 (12/02/05)

Today : 309 (01/03/06)

Whoooooooooooooooopee. Going to break that 300 mark real soon.

Going to have to do something with my rings, they are no longer snug, I can twirl them around my fingers.

I started pulling out my crafts, crocheted some leis to donate to my church. We like to give leis to any visitors who come. I live on Hawaiian Home Lands, something similiar to an Indian Reservation, land set aside for Native Hawaiians. Anyway the hotels are about 15 minutes down the road so the tourists who want to go to church often come to ours. Our mass is in English but we sing some songs in Hawaiian, and our church has stained glass windows of native flowers and the walls are painted murals of Hawaiian scenery. A nice place to mingle with the locals.

Anyway I have to find something to do with my time besides worrying when I need to sip, when I have to stop before I can eat, eat, then wait before I got to sip again. I have a big problem with sipping, I can't seem to have enough time to sip at least 46 oz , this has got to get better. When I forget to sip, I gulp, then I'm praying for a burp. Sip, sip, sip. Right now it seems to be my biggest problem. I just thought of something, tomorrow I am going to pull out one of my crystal wine glasses I bought when we were stationed in Germany and sip like a queen having some fine wine. Yup, that's just what I will do and see if that will help.

Hope this cough gets better, would really like to do some walking.

Melissa

2006-01-01T10:21:00.000-08:00

Horrors of Swallowing a Cough Drop

I started coughing early yesterday so bought myself some cough drops. Heh, how could a cough drop hurt me, right. Wrong. Should have listened to that little voice that warned me "what you going do if it slides down your throat". Well it did to my horror but thank goodness it had sort of shrunk in size by then cause I'ld really be in trouble.

So I spent New Year's Eve sipping hot water to try and melt the cough drop. My tummy felt awful. I could feel it moving things around and I was burping away. Felt miserable, so by 7pm I was fast asleep. I woke up at midnight to the sounds of the neighbors bursting fireworks. I still felt yukky. Kissed my husband "Happy New Year" and climbed right back into bed.

This morning not feeling so hot. I've got me a full blown cold. Must have caught it through cyberspace as several of you are also nursing colds. I think cause we still healing from our surgeries our resistance is low thus we caught colds.

As for cough drops, they are a thing of the past. I am not going through the stress as I did last night again. It was hard to keep calm and not run to the emergency room. Told myself to just calm down it will melt. When in reality I wanted to run around the house screaming for help.

Just thought of this: Would I have given a baby a cough drop? No. So why did I give my baby tummy one?
Got to be more careful in the future, this could have been a major crisis.

Melissa

2005-12-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

Four Weeks Post OP

It's four weeks post op and things are going fine. Quite unbelievable that the weeks have passed by and that there have been no major issues regarding the after effects of surgery. Healing quite well. 98% of stitches healed. 2% still to go. Have been phoning the nurse as I seem to have sprung a leak. Can be scary as I thought I had an infection. She told me no fever, no major redness, all is well, I am still draining. Thank goodness I was worried. Can't wait to be all healed up so that I can go swimming at the pool again.

I've been doing a whole lot better since I have started using Zero Carb Isopure to get my needed protein in. One will never realise how hard it is to get fluids in until you have to sip. I now sympathize with unburped babies. If I forget to sip, I pray for a burp to relieve that uncomfortable feeling. Was forgettting to sip so I bought a baby sippy cup and practiced with that for awhile. I do once in awhile forget to sip and gulp down a drink, then quickly regret it. No dumping yet, but an immediate yearning for a burp.

No one warned me pre-op that I would have to change my sleeping habits. I slept on my side pre-op. Post-op had to be on my back, going on my side was difficult and sore as ever. Boy, I struggled with that the first two weeks after WLS. I took the pain medicine just so that I could sleep on my side. Your stomach feels like it weighs a ton the first weeks after surgery, I guess cause it's all swollen and healing, thus sleeping on one's side is a task. Well, sometime last week I could finally sleep on my side but very carefully. Also turning from one side to the other, I have to take my time. I phoned my friend Brenda and asked her how she slept after WLS and she told me she slept sitting up for several weeks. Well, I am sleeping on my side again not 100% comfortable as there are a few twinges if I move wrong but I do get by.

I'm really happy that I purchased one ounce plastic cups to measure my food out and the pretty Japanese plates and baby spoons. They have made my meal quite easy to deal with. Presentation is important. Colorless turkey, tuna and even cottage cheese look appetizing in my pretty little dishes. When I go out to eat I take my little dishes and my baby spoon. I don't care what anyone thinks about it, this is my body, this is how I eat. Anyone have issues about it, it's their problem. I'm sure they had issues with watching me load my plate and stuff my fat face about 27 days ago. This is about me, not about them.

For breakfast I have been having scrambled or boiled eggs with a little tuna, salmon or shrimp mixed in. I have to puree my foods. If things are cooked right don't really have to puree just mash up to puree consistency. I also either have some plain yogurt or small curd cottage cheese or applesauce for breakfast.

For lunch I have maybe some leftover from breakfast or turkey, chicken, fish, tuna or salmon with a baby spoon of lowfat mayo or even make egg salad. A fruit mostly and sometimes a vegie.

For dinner, chicken prepared different ways, shrimp or fish. Vegie. I'm having an issue with beef, I picture it fermenting in my new tummy and that is enough to keep me from eating it even if I could puree a lean piece of it. I think picturing one' s new tummy as being special like a treasure chest, one will be more careful of what one puts into it.

Snacks. I peel about 5 grapes or cherries. Make sure I remove the seeds. Or small cubed watermelon, or honeydew melon.

As you see, I am eating. Measuring everything out, and still feeling satisfied. I keep remembering Kim advising me to stop grieving over food I think I won't be able to eat and enjoy what I can. I remember pre-op when three weeks prior to surgery I was literally eating gallons of ice cream and other stuff that I thought I would not be able to eat any more. It finally dawned on me that if I kept it up I'ld be too sick to have surgery and stopped. I didn't even have a last supper. I must be doing something right cause so far, no dumping, no sore tummy.

Exercise. I have been taking short walks. For two days while my husband swims at the pool, I walk around it, stopping when I get tired, rest, then walk again. I don't push myself. I thought I was superwoman and didn't need to nap. Wrong. When I don't nap my back hurts, my stomach hurts, I so tired I can barely move.
Thus, naps are a must. Need to nap, to help my body heal. Soon as these stitches heal I'll be back in the pool.

I have lost 33.7 pounds since date of WLS 12/02/05. Life is wonderful. I wish I had gotten this surgery earlier.

Melissa

2005-12-29T20:35:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of me in our front yard.

Date of surgery 12/02/05 : 349.7 pounds

Today 12/29/05: 316 pounds.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!!

Check out those skinny legs !!

2005-12-28T23:26:00.000-08:00

Fat People

Okay, now I find myself looking at fat people differently. I look at all the fat, the way they walk and how they dress and tell myself that is me, but soon will not be me. It's even worse when I see an obese person eating and their plate is filled with food and they are literally gulping it down. I can't believe I used to eat that way. I was killing myself with food just like they are. Can't believe that was me, too.

I'm feeling sorry for them cause I know how it is to be fat. I know the struggles. I know the self disgust. I know the hurt when kids point and say "look at the fat lady". All of a sudden where ever I go there's lots and lots of fat people. I never really noticed before or really took the time to look. I pray that I will still be compassionate and understanding to the challenges of overweight people when I reach my goal weight.

Let me not become like those who have looked at me in disgust, or snickered behind my back or said hurting things about my weight. Let me not forget what it is like to be obese. Goodness I hate that word obese.

Meliss

2005-12-27T09:39:00.000-08:00

Today is my anniversary, we've been married 34 years. Hubby fell in love with me when I was Twiggy size. Stayed with me as I blossomed through four pregnancies. Told me he loved me when diabetes and hypothyroidism and depression kicked in. Told myself I was fat fat fat and how inthe world could he handle all this fat. He told me he loved me no matter how fat I got. He held my fat hand in public. He bathed my fat body in the hospital and at home when I couldn't reach all over. He was my caregiver.

November 12, 2003, that all changed. While delivering mail, a woman sideswiped his mail truck and my husband was critically injured. His neck was sprained and he lost his memory. He was as a 7 year old boy. He was afraid of strangers and clung to me like a child and panicked when I was not around. I had two choices, get myself well enough to take care of myself and him or eat myself to death in despair and depression. I chose to get myself well, no matter what it took. I didn't have time to be sick, my fat was irrevalent, I had to do what I had to do. As my husband got better, I was stressing from working and caring for him. On December 2, 2004, I drove myself and him to the doctor's, told him I had to see the doctor. Went in and they couldn't find my pulse, don't ask me how I got there, I don't know, God drove. Administered oxygen, I had enough in me for me to call my sis to come get my husband, I was fighting with the paramedics over my cell phone as they tried to put the oxygen mask back on my face. I was taken by ambulance from the doctor's office to the hospital. I was fighting with the paramedics cause they wouldn't let my husband into the ambulance.

I was 382 plus pounds and dying. I wasn't ready to die. Who was going to take care of my husband? The kids? No, they all on the mainland and they have their own lives. I had to get my act together, this was my last chance at life. Took leave from work. Thus Medifast and preparation for WLS immediately upon leaving the hospital. I worked hard to be well enough for surgery. Spent the whole year preparing my husband for the surgery. He is able to take care of himself, his memory is partially back, still dependent on me though. He now is medically retired from the post office. Nothing was going wrong I told myself. Everything will be fine. I needed to get physically well. For me.

Thank God I came through WLS fine. Yeah, I had to stay in ICU for two days due to high blood pressure. It was high before the surgery, the doctor told me that I could have a stroke during the surgery because of it, I told him to do the surgery, I'll be fine. I'll have a stroke if it's meant to be. Came to in ICU and was pissed cause it was not in my plan, it was supposed to be recovery then my hospital room. The high blood pressure I believe was because they wouldn't let my husband in to see me. As soon as my eyes opened and I realised where they had me, I was asking them to unhook me and let me out of the bed, I wanted my husband, I had to see that he was okay. I was the patient from hell until they let him in. Wallah, as soon as I saw him my blood pressure started to lower and I let them do their thing.

Regrets. None at all. I have life. That is worth every stitch on my belly. A longer life with my hubby. A longer life with my kids and grandkids.

Every day I wake up with a burst of energy, feeling hopeful and just so happy to be alive. Many new dreams of what I would like to do in the years to come. Heh, the sky is the limit with the new body I will have. Slowly my diabetes is getting better and my blood pressure is improving. Sleeping better now too. I am not going back to the fat ole me, to the fat life that was killing me. God has given me another chance at living and I am going to make the most of his precious gift to me.

It is truly a Happy Anniversary for me and my hubby.

New life. New me.

Melissa

2005-12-24T16:43:00.000-08:00

320 pounds

My dad said my face lost it's chubbiness and soon he can hug me good. Dad's are wonderful. He's 75, walks his 10,000 plus steps every day, watches what he eats. Maybe I now get chance to live 75 and over now. My legs are skinny. I always looked like an ostrich, big tummy and skinny legs. But now these legs are even skinnier.

Thanks Kim I needed to hear that the feelings I am having are normal, this being in a daze. I trust that things will get better when I can believe I had WLS and this is not all a dream. This is for real.

Went out to breakfast with my husband this Christmas Eve morning. Ordered my favorite seafood omelet. When it was placed in front me, I couldn't get over how huge it was. Imagine I'ld swallow it all with a side of waffles. Asked for a takeout plate. Cut off 2 oz. of the omelet and the rest went into the bag. Instead of waffles I had ordered honeydew melon, left out 3 small pieces and the rest went into the bag. Mashed up the eggs and fish/shrimp with my fork and chew chew chewed like a good WLS post op should. Enjoyed my breakfast. Right now the takeout plate is in the fridge with enough food in it for at least 3-4 meals. Heh, I feel like a champ. I didn't deprive my husband of going out to eat because of my issues. All I got to do is focus and remember my way of eating is different now.

Went to the mall after breakfast to catch some Xmas sales. Bought myself a beautiful angel. I collect angels, but haven't bought myself one for a long time. Got tired though so had to get out of the crowds, had my trusty sippy bottle with me. At least I wasn't huffing and puffing and bumping into people.

Tomorrow is Christmas lunch with my sis, her family and dad. I usually go the mainland to be with my children and grandchildren. Not this year due to the surgery. There are a few Hawaiian and local dishes I can chew chew chew and not feel deprived. One thing about living in Hawaii at gatherings there is a mixture of all kinds of foods. Told myself I just want to be with the family, talk story and have fun. They are supportive of my WLS so I know I will be fine. They were so worried about me and my poor health that they all see WLS as a blessing for me. My sis is heading down the road with diabetes and stuff like I was and is now thinking of getting the surgery.

Mele Kalikimaka Merry Christmas
Hauoli Makahiki Hou Happy New Year

Meliss

2005-12-23T11:18:00.000-08:00

3 weeks post surgery

It's 3 weeks and I am still stunned and walking around in a sureal world. I think it's silly but I am kind of afraid that something will go wrong. Keep waiting for these stiches to burst, I guess. Trying to figure out why I deserved to make it through surgery, let alone recovering right now. Some have called me brave, I don't think I was brave. I just did it. And now trying to deal with my choice. It's just so unbelievable that my fat is melting away, I had tried and tried before and not one ounce would budge. I am still walking around in a daze.

Have to keep reading the LWLS site and site's like Sandi's just to reconfirm that I now am postop. Keep glancing at the stitches. Having problem getting the protein shake down and sipping sipping water. Like Sandi said it's a new routine, a new way of doing things, not impossible just got to find the routine that works for me.
It is just so wonderful that there is a slew of you who are doing very very well post op and even better to know that Anna is doing fine. Her story really put me in a spin of worry. I tend to be a worry wart and if I think too much I can really mess myself up. Got to concentrate on the positive side of WLS surgery.

My surgeon, John Balfour is 77 years old and looks like 55. He is the best surgeon for this procedure in Hawaii. Well, he has the years of experience. He told me that all I have to do is follow the rules, listen to the dietician and all will go well. He holds your hand and looks you straight in the eye as he speaks. You can't help but believe him. I entrusted him with my life. He did his part now I have to do mine.

I have been walking each morning this past week. I think I have been pushing it cause last night my tummy was tender and my back hurt. Can't over do it, not superwoman that's for sure. No problem with meals, so trying to get in as much protein in them since I having hard time with the shakes. My sis had me sip some of her Crystal Lite Tea, tasted good, so I'll add it to my water and see if the sipping gets better. Will nap today and maybe walk this evening. I do feel weak and tired and it's only 9:30 am.

This dazed sureal feeling, normal?
Meliss

2005-12-19T09:12:00.000-08:00

Avoid Grieving For Foods

WLS Kaye advised:

"remind ourselves that these very foods we have loved and lost were not our friends. These foods were killing us. These foods caused us to be morbidly obese. Prior to surgery a morbidly obese person is dying a slow death by over consumption and malnutrition. Poor nutrition and excess weight taxed the cellular structure of the body causing illness, pain and suffering. Weight loss surgery was a last-ditch effort to save a life and restore quality to living.Say goodbye and good riddance to those poisonous foods. They are not part of your life any more and isn’t that a blessing? Isn’t that exactly what you wanted when you elected to save your life with weight loss surgery?"

Put Kaye's advise on a card so that I can glance at it 24/7. Woke up this morning with determination to make this journey easier on myself and not let that fat little devil sitting on my shoulder lead me astray. Remember those cartoons where there would be an little person with a halo, on one shoulder and a little person with horns and wicked grin, on the other, and they would be fighting each other to take over the person's mind. My psychologist should really love this one. Well, apparently my little people really went at it alot and that fat little devil won all these years. Well, that fat little devil is going to lose some weight! No more is she going to lead me down the road of destruction.

Taking some old pics of mine and taping it around this computer. I feel different. I feel lighter. No water retention in my legs. I don't want to become obsessive about things, but I keep having to look at my stitches to make sure I went through surgery. I've never been girly girly. I'm not the cheerleader type. Jeans and a t-shirt made me happy. Now I ponder on how I will dress in the near future. It's exciting. I'll be 55 years old next month and the world is at my door step. WLS opened the door, now all I need to do is step through. No not step, run through with no regrets.
Here I come world, the new me.

Meliss

2005-12-18T22:26:00.000-08:00

Went walking in the mall today. I think I better stick to Home Depot. My dear husband stood in front of Ms. Fields Cookies and I looked at this slice of double fudge brownie and actually swooned over it. My goodness, I am still human, WLS did not remove those awful tempting thoughts. I could actually taste the brownie.
Here are my stitches still fresh and barely healed and my mind going bonkers.

So what did I do. Walked away as fast as I could, telling myself that brownie was the poison that made my body fat and unhealthy. It was so scary. Came home and have been reading our WLS site and several personal blogs. Talk about needing major support. Ate some pureed turkey and cottage cheese and gave my body what is good for it. I know for sure that I can not go on this journey alone. Thank goodness for the support sent my way by those of you who know that this journey is not an easy one.

Best start getting serious with counting calories,carbs and not letting my guard down. Finding better places to exercise. Staying on track. Looking forward to wearing a nice pair of jeans. Shopping for pretty little things not Ahab the Arab tent outfits. A new healthier me.

Meliss

2005-12-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

So nice to be home. Sleeping a whole lot better. Went to the grocery store for a little while, still get tired easily. Shopping for food is sure different, but had no yearnings for anything. I think I am still dazed by the surgery and still walking in a dream.

Find myself always looking at the stitches to make sure I really did it. I really can't believe that the surgery is over. The days of the surgery seem so unreal. The days ahead are exciting, I look forward to being a lighter person. WLS is a miracle. I try to picture myself on that operation table and find myself amazed that I actually let the surgeon do to me just as I watched on a video. We WLS people have got to be the bravest people on this earth.

Regrets? None at all. Maybe I would have lived my life a little different so that I wouldn't have had to have the surgery in the first place. But I didn't and now I have a chance to correct all the wrong things I did to myself. A second chance to live a healthier life. Thank you God for guiding my surgeons hands and giving him the knowledge to perform this surgery. Thank you God for watching over me. I feel like a new born person.

Meliss

2005-12-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

Post OP 14 days

I am finally home from Honolulu. These past two weeks have been sureal. Still in kind of a daze, maybe sleeping in my own bed for a few more days will make this all seem real. I am post op, I have joined the WLS sisterhood.

349.7 day of surgery. 327 today. Miracle of miracles. Worth every minute of apprehension, panic attacks and off the wall crazy thoughts prior to surgery. Surgery not a piece of cake, but manageable. Peeking at my surgery scar every chance I get just to make sure I really did it. Staples came out yesterday, things looking just fine.

At meal times, I pull out my pretty tiny Japanese dishes and baby spoon. I have been using those tiny 1 oz. plastic cups to measure out my food. You can really stuff alot into those cups............smile. Pureed foods, chicken, cottage cheese, plain yogurt, egg, pureed progresso soup and some local dishes like Chicken Papaya Stew. I've been doing okay. Taking it slow. Sipping, sipping, sipping. I water down the protein drinks so get some extra fluid from there too. Tried Baby Food fruit, can't stand them, so it's applesause and globe grapes. I actually peel the grape, take the seeds out and chew chew chew. A nice sweet treat.

I have been walking a little each day. I get all clammy and sweat buckets if I over do it. My diabetes still adjusting itself. I am popping glucose tabs like m & m's, have to montior myself constantly. I'm not complaining believe me after ten years of insulin shots, a miracle is taking place in my body. My endroconologist is very elated. From 120 units of Lantus and 3-4 shots of 70-80 units of Humulog a day, I now take 60 units of Lantus at night and that is it. From uncontrolled insulin dependent diabetic, I am going to be inuslin free soon. This surgery is a miracle for diabetics.

Thank you all for the get well wishes and prayers. Napping is high priority between sipping. Smile.
Meliss

2005-11-29T00:35:00.000-08:00

4 days to WLS

Can not believe that I am down to 4 days before WLS.

Thanksgiving Day went well, had baked fish and shrimp besides turkey and the fixing, so ate mostly fish and shrimp and fresh greens salad. Little bit of cranberry, a taste of the candied yam, pumpkin pie, banana cream pie, then took a nice walk. I amazed myself, but I kept hearing Kim say it's okay, just walk ten minutes before and ten minutes after, well it worked. For once I had a Thanksgiving that I was not stuffed till I got sick for one or two days after.

I have been walking in the pool in the morning and walking at Home Depot at night. I am determined to be healthy for WLS. I live on the island of Hawaii and have to travel this coming Wednesday to the island of Oahu to have the surgery. Wednesday I get to visit the dietician who will give the scoops on what my meals need to be like after surgery, etc. Thursday I visit my endroconologist who will be monitoring my diabetes after the surgery, then later in the day I visit the surgeon for pre-op. Friday is surgery at 5 am. I never wake up at 5 am so that will be an experience in itself. I should be discharged come Monday.

From Monday 12/5 to 12/15, I'll be in Honolulu. I have to stay at the Hospital hotel and not come back to the island I live on till cleared by the surgeon. That is the pits cause I rather recover in my own home, but in case of any emergencies I have to stay in Honolulu. Thank goodness the hotel has a full kitchen so I'm taking my mini food processor and the hand held immersion blender that Kim suggested I get. I have two pretty little Japanese chawa mushi dishes and the little spoons in a pretty pink container. I've got a bunch of powder protein packets and an Igloo one quart insulated bottle. Now all I need to get in Honolulu are some Progresso soup, sugar free jello and popsicles and I am good to go.

I have a well meaning classmate who had beefed up his round about "don't do this surgery speechs", ended up with me telling him, "look I made up my mind and there's nothing you can say that will change my decision." He finally accepted things and has gathered 20 of my classmates for a "prayer team" for me. I am so very humbled. Prayers are powerful. Can't go wrong with a prayer team praying for you.

I'm ready for sugery. I am ready for a new healthier life.

2005-11-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

12 days to WLS

Time is speeding by. Now I wish I had actually exercised for the past six months, ate healthy and all that. Now I am down to twelve days and my body aches from my two times a day walking but I am not stopping.

Walked in Walmart last night, stayed away from the food section, but I needed to get my glucose tablets. Bought myself some Take & Toss Infant Spoons less than $4, pretty colors, can wash or just toss away. Little bites, chew, chew, chew, right. Even checked out the baby foods section, haven't looked there for years so I was pleasantly surprised by the small portioned sizes available. I think I'll indulge in the fruits for the first couple weeks. My doctor has his patients quickly start with pureed foods after discharge from the hospital, so I have a small food processor I got for Xmas two years ago and thought my mom had lost her mind when she got it for me. My mom passed away a year and a half ago, I guess she knew I was going to need her gift one day. In Walmart they have a small blender that costs about $11.00, of course they were all out of it, I'll check for it again. The food processor and blender should be all I need for awhile. I have a small electric steamer which I will use to steam my vegies. Thanks to the encouraging advice received on this site and all that I read and keep rereading on Living After WLS, I have been able to be more positive about things. I no longer obsess about food and have been able to focus on a healthier way of living for myself.

I just keep telling myself that "if I don't take care of this body, I will have no place to live in" , can't get any more basic than that.

I have eaten my slice of pumpkin pie. Took Kim's Thanksgiving advice and walked before the slice of pie and walked after eating it. Will walk before Thanksgiving lunch and after.

I want to thank everyone who has sent their words of encouragement, words of advice, sharing your experiences........................priceless. From depression, doubt, second guessing myself, I am feeling quite confident and ready to start my life after WLS.

2005-11-18T01:01:00.000-08:00

15 days to WLS

Walked in the pool this morning, then this evening after dinner, walked around Home Depot. Went up and down the isles, saw some neat stuff to fix the house. Up and down the isles, neat place to exercise. Was going to walk in Walmart but too many edible things to want to throw in the wagon.

Pictured myself thinner today. Just to be 100 pounds thinner would be great. Can't wait to get this surgery over with and move on to the next next chapter of my life. Even imagined myself playing with my grandkids instead of just sitting on the couch watching them.

This is getting exciting.

2005-11-16T22:25:00.000-08:00

16 days to WLS

Just got back from walking in the mall. Spoke to the surgeon's nurse today, just had to hear her voice. Yes, Big Grandma your WLS day is just around the corner. Told her I was having a problem losing some weight before surgery, I seem to be stuck at 354. She told me what ever I do, do not gain any weight. She said that she cancelled 3 surgeries. One Lady gained 32 pounds. Yikes. But you know I can relate, that's why we having this surgery..............we eat when stressed, we stress when we eat. Well told myself no way am I going to have my WLS cancelled. I can't handle this waiting again. It just got to happen so I can begin a thinner healthier life.

So I walked at the pool this morning, then walked at the mall this evening. Watched what I ate all day. Snack, popcorn. I will exercise and watch what I eat, if I have to sleep thru Thanksgiving, so be it. WLS is a happening. This waiting for it is hard, but I will do it.

Watched Oprah today, the show on jeans. Imagine, I will be able to wear jeans again. Whoooopeeeeeeeeee!
Got to find the jeans with the strategically placed pockets in the back, to give me some "butt". So Big Grandma can strut her stuff. Jeans, a cute blouse, some heels, and a bling bling shoulder bag and this girl be good to go.

Another day closer to WLS.

2005-11-11T10:33:00.000-08:00

21 days to go.

Yesterday went to the mall to walk around, it's been months since I've been to the mall, can't remember when the last time was. Bought myself a bronze bling bling purse. Buckles, gems, the works. Cute as ever. The young sales girl was helpful and I'm sure thought I can't believe this fat lady is buying that purse. Oh well. Then had my hair retouched, the blonde streaks look good.

Walked into an oriental store and spent time looking at these really cute Japanese dishes. Bought myself a tiny plate, a matching 3 ounce tea cup with a cover that when flipped over can also be used as a tiny plate. Pretty bamboo design. Wallah I have my first WLS dining set. I have this clear blue glass dessert dish that I can use as a tray and set these dishes on and have my meals. I think I have just started my collection of minature dishes.

I am having a hard time from indulging in what I shouldn't eat, but the portions are smaller and I haven't been snacking. I keep telling myself I have to be healthy for my surgery, those things will make me sick. I just keep thinking of how better my life will be after WLS. Every day is a challenge. Heh, you can do it Big Grandma, happy days are ahead of you. Happy healthy days.

I'm taking the advice of Claire and I am going to read only positive blogs and think positive constantly as Kim advises. I even bought these 2 ounce disposable plastic cups with covers and placed one by my computer and letting it sink in that this is what my new tummy will be able to handle.

Anyone named their new tummy? I think I will do that. Hmmmmmmmm. I'll come up with a new name for my tummy, she will not be just referred to as my "pouch". Hmmmmmm. A nice sexy, bling blingish kind of name, I think. A "you go girl" kind of name. A name that when she walked in the room, everyone will notice her self confidence, her flare for life, her determination to succeed. Look out world her she comes, kind of name. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.

Off I go to face the world today with a smile on my face and a determination to live a new healthier thinner life.

2005-11-07T20:53:00.000-08:00

Twenty five days till WLS.

Got this tip from Kim:
Here is a tip for you to get ready for the months following your surgery. Buy some Dixie cups. The kind that you use in the bathroom for a quick sip of water. I used these as my disposable "dishes" after surgery. One little Dixie cup is about the size of your pouch. It seemed like such a waste to pull out a real plate or bowl. I also bought some little cheese/appetizer dishes. They are smaller than a salad plate and the perfect size for the new meals that you will be eating. A friend of mine gave me a silver baby spoon for an after surgery gift. I actually used that little spoon in the beginning to get used to taking small bites. Truly, the Dixie cups were very handy.

Great idea. All day I thought of my foods in dixie cup portions. And then I thought why not go out and get some pretty little dishes. Tiny Japanese oriental bowls, dishes and tea cups would be nice. You know how important the presentation of one's food is. No one said we can not have special dishes for our special meal.
And picking up those baby spoons may not be such a bad idea, they are pretty, and it will force me to eat small portions at a time.

Today I haven't been feeling too well. I've had the flu shot so I'm safe from the flu. I just want to get this surgery over and done with. This waiting is mind wrecking, all those what ifs. I've been reading alot of WLS blogs and some are very uplifting, some downright appalling. Got to pick what's uplifting and postiive to read.

I'm glad I'll be seeing my psych before and after surgery. Have so many things to sort in my mind. I am prone to worrying to much and I have the most vivid imagination ever.

I will look at these 25 days as an opportunity to do whatever it takes to be healthier for WLS. I will think positive. I will exercise. I will watch what I eat. I will be a thinnner, healthier me.

I will be able to buy some nice stylish clothes.
I will be able to sit in chairs and not worry about breaking them.
I will be able to walk between racks at the store and not knock things off the racks as I walk by.
I will be able to wear a bathingsuit and get rid of my 5xl shorts and t-shirt.
I will be able to put on the seat belt in the car and it will not be choking me.
No more belt extensions on the plane.
No more fat squeezed into the movie theatre seats.
No more having to go wait for the handicap stall cause I don't fit in the normal stall.
No more little kids pointing and saying look at that fat lady.

Hmmmmmmmmm, this is great listing things that will happen in the near future due to the miracle of WLS surgery.

Big Grandma there's a bright future within your grasp. You should be smiling that you can have this surgery.

2005-11-06T00:32:00.000-08:00

Made it through another day. Was sitting here thinking of how life will be as a skinny person again. Yes, again. I was thin till I was about 21. So thin that I was called "Olive Oil" Popeye's girlfriend. Around 31 I started gaining weight and never stopped gaining. It is sort of unbelievable after trying all kind diets that WLS will work and I will not be so fat and I will be healthier.

It's weird what the thought of the day was. Thought all day about loose skin. Rolls of it. Trying to figure out where to put it till I can have it removed. Really how do you guys handle all that excess skin? I guess all the fat gone and loose skin is better than one huge belly. I'm built like a pear. Got skinny legs so no problem with them, but all this belly. All day wondered how long I going have to put up with loose skin and what I supposed to do with it in the mean time.

Be nice to paint my toe nails and not to practically pull my arm out to reach my toes. Or how about making like a contortionist and cutting off the blood circulation in my legs.

Better days are in reach. I really like the suppportive emails I have been receiving, this is one journey I can't go through alone. Need all the support I can get. Every day is a challenge.

I can do this. I will do whatever it takes to be a healthier, thinner person.

2005-11-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

What a busy day I had today. So busy I didn't snack, just had a healthy breakfast, lunch and for dinner a nice salad and lean meat, and then bowl of brocoli. Lots of water.

This morning cleaned the garage. Sorted clothes to keep, clothes for Goodwill. I'm not running the clothes straight to Goodwill, I'm having separation anxiety. I have from 5XXXL to size 12. Packed them according to size. It will be fun giving them away as I lose wieght.

I'm going to have some ice cream later, just a scoop. I am not going to hold the 1/2 gallon and scoop away till all gone. I wonder if I will be able to tolerate milk products. I hear a lot of people have problems with it. Well there is always soy milk.

I feel good about myself today.

2005-11-04T00:53:00.000-08:00

It's 11 pm and I have made it through this day. No snacks after dinner. Kept myself busy typing and sorting through paperwork, then visited my sister and talked about my upcoming WLS.

Today went to see my psychologist. Have been seeing her for almost a year now. Had so much to deal with after hubby's car accident and the stress from my job. Things are better now. I'm in more control of my life. We talked about the WLS and what I felt about it. I need my husband to not be so nonchalant about the surgery. I cried about needing him to say he will help me after the surgery. Sometimes he acts like he don't care and whatevers, but I so needy today. I need him to pledge his undying love for me.

So dramatic today, must be the lack of food. Or, like my doctor said it's the pre-surgery jitters.

Boy this is not easy at all. I don't mean the not eating junks, it's the waiting till the WLS. I think I'm having anxiety, panic attacks about it.

Need to keep myself busy and take each day as it comes. Concentrate on my new life after WLS.

2005-11-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

Just got back from the pool. Told my husband he has to fix his own lunch or I will end up pigging out. I'll go take a nice shower, put on some makeup and go run some errands.

Fixed me a Medifast shake. Had a small tangerine a minute ago.

While walking in the pool I kept thinking of what I will look like same time next year without all this fat.
It's exciting. I like imagining the new me to be.

I will do whatever it takes to be healthy.

I will win this battle with Big Grandma and her bad eating habits.

2005-11-02T11:42:00.000-08:00

After days of rain there is beautiful sunshine this morning. Made it till this morning. Last night was hard as I had only one apple after dinner and no other snacks. But I made it.

I'm starting the day with a bowl of oatmeal, boiled egg and slice of toast. Big deal? Yep, cause I was having my "last breakfast" every day, "banana pancakes, 3 eggs over easy, bacon and corn beef hash" so why am I shocked that I gained 11 1/2 pounds? Kept it up I would be almost 400 pounds on day of WLS.

No way.

I love oatmeal, take a packet, 8 oz water, zap in the micro. Good stuff. Took less than 5 minutes to make this breakfast. The other breakfast about 20-30 minutes. So what's up here?

Today I am going to go walking in the pool. Then clean the garage area.

Exactly 30 days till WLS.

Okay Meliss, let's go face the day.

I am adjusting my behavior to release me from my past.

With God all things are possible. Yes, it is !!!!!

2005-11-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

Good morning Meliss. It's 30 days pre WLS. You are going to do what ever it takes to shed those 11 1/2 pounds plus a few. The goal is to be healthy for the surgery. You got to focus. Discipline yourself. It's just me and you Big Grandma.

Why am I having WLS?
Get rid of this diabetes for one. No more insulin shots. No more worrying if I going be blind, amputated or go on kidney dialysis.
No more worrying if I going to die in my sleep any day now.
No chest pains, not being able to walk, hard time breath, sore legs, back.
Tired all the time.
No energy. Depression.
Fat, shame that I am fat.
Miserably sickly fat, obese, sad always sad.

I don't like my body, in fact I hate the condition it is in.
I don't hate my body. I can't. It's the only one I have.

If I don't take care of this body. I will have nothing to live in.

Bottom line. Telling it like it is. This is not a joke. This is for real.

So do something about it girl. You did this to yourself. You can undo what you did to yourself, Meliss. You can.

I am my own worst enemy. I am eating myself to death. Got to stop destroying myself, now.

Today is the first day of my new life. Not December 2nd. Today or no December 2nd is going to happen. I have to start today.

Okay, today Meliss, Big Grandma.

I will walk away from this computer and begin my new life now.

2005-10-31T21:51:00.000-08:00

Went to Hawaiian Airlines cargo to weigh myself, yep they got this big scale that can weigh us big people. The guys working down there are so sweet, when I pull up and park, they discretely turn their heads while I weigh myself. Okay I am 354 1/2 pounds. That means in two weeks I have managed to gain 11 1/2 pounds. Remember I have been eating everything I think I will never be able to eat again ever.

Duh! What have I been thinking? What will my doctor think? I supposed to lose some weight before my scheduled WLS and here I am stuffing myself silly. I have lost my mind.

Focus Meliss..................there are no excuses for this behavior. I have four weeks to undo what I have done to myself.

I need help to focus. I'll go to the WLS site and read everything from beginning to end.

No sense crying, all the tears I shed won't get a pound off of this body.